An Impossible Wish

Hello, all!

The pain hasn’t really let up today, so this post might be a bit short.

I am really proud of how I looked today.

Today’s look.

I know most people would find the green lipstick odd, and I’ll give that to them. Some people haven’t ever seen a matte green lipstick before. I hadn’t ever seen one in person, either, until I walked into an Ulta store in Plano, TX. I made myself a promise that I would not make a purchase in that Ulta unless it was a tube of matte forest green lipstick. I called this an impossible wish. After much hunting, the workers there tracked down the same lipstick I wore today. It’s a shade from Too Faced called Wicked. The only problem I had with it was that it cost $20 USD, but I ultimately remembered my promise to myself and walked out with it in hand. It’s probably the weirdest shade in my collection and I only really break it out on special occasions. It was what I needed today to look like myself, which I desperately needed.

I believe I wrote before about how my desired look changes depending on how I’m feeling. It has recently included dark lipstick, long sleeved button downs, and business pants or skirts. It shifts a bit, but it seems to largely stay focused on this sort of theme. I have felt so confident in these outfits, and that shows in the large amount of selfies I’ve been taking.

My outfit two days ago.

Selfies help me when I feel sad. Looking nice is an important mood booster for me – if I look nice, odds are I feel better about myself than normal. It’s one of the things I like to do when I feel sad – take a shower and put on some nice clothes, take a few pictures of myself. It works wonders.

I have recently realized that not everyone will like the way I look. That shouldn’t stop me from dressing in ways that make me comfortable with myself. The green lipstick, as I stated before, turns a lot of people off. I’m not meant to be liked by everyone who ever sees me. I am me, and I am not meant to be liked or understood by everyone. Nobody is made for everyone, and thinking one is that way only leads to disappointment. Some people can’t take me seriously with black lipstick on, and they have every right to do so. I will never be able to please everyone. That, to me, is an important step I’ve made in learning who I am.

Thank you for reading!



All I See Are Explosions Anyway

Hello, friends!!

Lately it’s been like an archaeological dig in my brain. If you’ve been following the blog at all, you’ll find that there have been many discoveries made in the last few days. It’s been an awesome experience, but there are still some things to be desired.

I pray a lot in my own way, and sometimes people think I do it wrong. I have problems praying aloud and instead carry prayers like feelings close to my heart soundlessly. It’s kind of like meditation mixed with prayer, and it helps me a lot. It may be “the wrong way” to pray, but I am firmly of the belief that people can pray however they want so long as they aren’t hurting themselves or other people. There is a time and place for praying aloud and a time and place for praying silently. I’m in the time for praying silently right now.

My friend Laurie talks a lot about there being seasons for things. It was a bit odd to hear that language at first, but now that I think about it, it makes a lot of sense. There was a time and a season where I was a Mormon girl, there was a time and a season when I was an agnostic, there was a time an a season when I identified as male. This is a growing and harvesting season. This is a season of freedom.

The title of this post comes from none other than a poem I wrote that talked about my old school in Maryland. There was a line in there that talked about the only true semblance of prayer I had in those days was when I looked through a telescope and all I saw were explosions of galaxies anyway, not any kind of real answer. In those days, it was hard to be close to God and the universe. I was going through a lot.

Returning to the topic of seasons, there are seasons when I am not close to God and the universe. It’s totally fair and valid if you aren’t close to them right now, in the future, or ever. Your journey is yours, not mine, your best friend’s, or that neighbor down the road that demands an expectation from you and doesn’t deserve one. There will days when you see in perfect clarity, there will be others when all you will see are explosions. You are loved constantly and eternally. That is the great constant.

As I go deeper into this digging phase, this season, the more I learn. Having a seat at the table means more to me than just having an equal chance at life as everyone else. It means being given the same gift of hope and the capacity to dream, be validated, and live fully, not just exist.

I remember bursting into tears at Maryland college after seeing a sign saying “no one deserves just a friendship of utility.” It was advertising a workshop on how to be a good friend. The school was dedicated to the study of philosophy, and a friendship of utility in the texts was a friendship for a purpose, not just for friendship’s sake, not so different from using someone. I was hurting and felt broken and wanted my friends to save me. Not surprisingly, the more desperate I became, the more they pulled away. I was wanting as much of a friendship of utility as that sign was warning against. Nobody could save me but me in the end. It took believing in myself to even feel saved. Nothing, not even believing in God or the universe, would make me feel secure until I started this journey to believe in myself. I may have been broken, but nobody but me could fix me.

My aunt always quotes the safety demonstrations at the beginnings of airplane flights when they say “you need to put your own oxygen mask on before assisting with someone else’s, even if it’s your kids needing help.” My aunt is a wise woman, and there’s much truth in that. There are a lot of ways one can seek truth. You can try and find truth in books, friends, God. A lot of them are ways you can try and avoid who you are. You can believe in and put trust in anything you want, but if it doesn’t help you trust yourself in a deep and lasting way, perhaps it’s not worth pursuing long term. Faith and relationships should give you inner peace and help pass that peace to others, not spread you thin. It’s difficult to help others when you yourself are breaking inside. That’s not to say that you don’t need others to help you get to where you’re peaceful; I’m far from it and I am constantly being filled by the people around me. But I wouldn’t be anywhere close to where I am now without realizing I had it in myself to be where I am now. Because I have people who are willing to be in my life as I transform and encourage that transformation, I am able to become me and who I am meant to be in this moment. I’m beginning to believe in myself and have faith in that seat at that table. I see more than an explosion in things now, myself included.

After all of this, how can I believe in myself, you may ask?

I try not to pretend to know others’ lives, only my own. So here’s what has worked for me.

I’m learning in my life about what I call the great constant – that I am loved at all times, no matter how much I feel I have failed or fallen short.

I am also learning about what I am worth as a human being and child of the universe.

Put those together and I find that I am worth indescribable amounts and so are you. You are given a seat at the universe’s table simply because you are here and you are existing, experiencing this crazy thing called Living. You are loved regardless of where you have come from, who you are, and what you have done.

It takes work and a lot of faith. What really helps is to think back on what I have learned when I’m faced with a setback or a personal failure and present myself with mercy instead of condemnation. Because I know I am worthy and loved, I am allowed to continue trying. Just because I make mistakes doesn’t mean I am a permanent failure. The aftermath of a mistake is an opportunity for improvement, to strive to do better next time and the times after that.

I believe that the moment you start to present yourself with mercy in failure is when you start to believe in yourself. From there, your self talk begins to change and you will work towards being able to see that you are loved in infinite ways and the cycle repeats itself.

I’ll never be perfect, and there is always something new to learn. That’s something that also takes learning. Thank you for learning with me.



Did this help you? If so, buy me a coffee here and keep the posts rolling!

Why I would get socked at the Council of Nicaea…

Hello again, fine friends!

I was on the fence about taking time out of every day to write this blog, but yesterday’s post really cemented in my mind that this was something that needs to happen. It was cathartic. It was fun. It was almost like meditation.

Something that I’ve wanted to write about since founding this blog is my stance on religion and spirituality. While I wouldn’t call it unique, it’s a blend of some of my Mormon beliefs from my adolescence with other things I’ve picked up over time. In short, I’m a Christian, but one who would probably get punched in the face by some future saint at the Council of Nicaea and run out of town. All parts of my faith are important to me, and I try to follow them. I fall short a lot (read: always), but I believe that God hears me and steers me back to where he needs me to go. Here are some of my beliefs…

Mormon Stuff

I believe that families and people who love each other will be together forever if they so choose. Mormons hold that people need to be sealed in the temple for this to happen, but I believe that I’ll see my dad, my husband, my grandmother, uncle, and more when I get to wherever I land. I don’t think it would be only exclusive to faithful Mormons. Since leaving the Church last year, that was something I grappled with, but when my then-future husband came down to Texas last May from Alaska to where I lived in Texas, I asked him out of the blue whether he believed we would be together after death. The answer from both of us was a resounding yes. I also hold to Mormon beliefs that there was a spirit world before Earth and some of us meet each other here and just know¬†we have met before somehow. My friend Amy is one such example. Over the course of a four hour car ride, we just clicked and I’ve always felt like I’d known her before that time.

Another belief I hold strongly to is that the souls of the dead don’t ever truly leave us. I have felt my dad’s influence strongly after he died in 2016, and it has gotten stronger in recent times. My husband and I came to the conclusion that we were brought together by my dad nudging my husband to talk to me again after six whole years of no contact between us.

Other things:

I believe that there is a plan for everything. Sometimes it seems senseless, but I think there is nothing that is entirely good or entirely evil. Good things can come from bad things, and vice versa.

I also believe that God is love and that everything we need comes from him in the times that we need it.

Faith and life’s journey are intensely personal in my mind, and nobody should force their faith on another. That kills the personal nature of it. If I want to teach someone, it’s only because they want to hear it, not because I’m trying to proselytize. I was once a proselytizer, and I think I was annoying. I want to preach by actions, and not by telling everyone I love Jesus and then doing nothing about it. I believe that if one is living the word they adhere to, they will shine and people will be curious about how they get their strength and joy. I’m not there yet.

Things that baffle me

I don’t understand heaven. I know it’s a thing that people want and supposedly it’s a place of rest and happiness forever. I can see how people would desire to live there. But the thing that catches me is that if you’re happy forever and there is nothing to contrast that happiness, how on Earth do you know you’re eternally happy?

The only way I have seen it that I like is the Mormon take on Heaven. The afterlife is a place of progression where souls learn things they could not have learned on Earth. I like that. I don’t see the point in sitting around being eternally joyful. There has to be a catch somewhere.

It baffles me as well that some people believe that Heaven will only house Christians. What about all of the other good people in the world? And what about all of the bad Christians? I would rather live next to a Muslim who lives their faith well than a Christian who steps on others. Faith without deeds is dead. Controversial opinion: I don’t think Jesus would be pleased with the people who claim to know and love him and then do the opposite of what he taught in his name.

So where does that put me?

I know Heaven is a thing. I just don’t want to participate. It doesn’t sound pleasant or even restful. Frankly, it sounds like oblivion. I may change my mind, and there ARE people I want to see again. Maybe I’m speaking too much from years of depression, but I honestly don’t want to exist for longer than I have to.

Hell is a different matter. It doesn’t scare me. There are days here that could very well rival it, and Shakespeare put it best:

Hell is empty, all the devils are here.
Don’t get me wrong on all of this, I want to live on. I want to live on in the form of memories people have of me, in my future children, in the legacy I will leave. But if I say that I would brave an afterlife for someone, I mean that and I don’t say that lightly.  Call it depressing, but it’s my story.

Things that I wish people would accept

God hears and loves everyone. He gives everyone good gifts, whether they deserve them or not. I don’t know about you, but I sure don’t deserve them. I mess up all the time. I can be mean. I can be selfish. I can be vengeful. But I am still loved, and so are you, dear readers. It doesn’t matter who you are. You are special in the eyes of your Higher Power.

Everyone includes your grumpy sibling, the ex who abused and abandoned you, the lesbians next door, the protesters down the road whom you call snowflakes. God loves them and they have a path, too. I am thankful for the people who hurt me, for they opened the door to better things. I do my best to forgive them, for in that way I am giving myself a precious gift. I am giving myself freedom.

It’s so hard, especially if you’ve been deeply wounded. Take your time in forgiving them. You need time to heal, and part of this healing can very well be wrath. But when you can, leave it up to God or your Higher Power. And sometimes the person you need to forgive is yourself. God will take care of the rest.

Also, God loves you. It doesn’t matter who you are or where you come from or what you’ve done. I speak especially to the LGBT community. I speak especially to those with mental or physical illnesses. I speak especially to you. You are loved and important. You are not a mistake. You are meant to be where you are, doing the good you are doing. Don’t be afraid. It’s easier said than done, but you are powerful. You are made to do great things. Your body is yours, not anyone else’s. I wish everyone could understand that.

That’s my piece.

Until next time,