Proud

Hey, adventurers!

I’m back again, and today we’re gonna talk about being proud.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not usually proud of who I am. There are a few instances where I am, but they don’t come terribly often. My sense of worth generally comes from what the people closest to me think of me. I know that’s not good.

I believe, consciously or not, that only those whom I have hurt truly know me, and that anyone else only knows me on the surface. I suppose by that logic I truly know myself, because I self-sabotage often enough to qualify for it being classified as hurting myself. We all know that that’s not true. Not yet, at least.

I can remember the second to last time I was proud of myself. It was on the shooting range last Sunday. I don’t remember if I wrote about it or not, but I began shooting in the same spot over and over. As I may have written, that’s a big step in the direction of becoming a good shot. I was proud of myself for that.

The most recent time was this morning. I abandoned all social media except for the blog and told my friends to text me rather than message me on social media. I’ve known social media has been hurting me for awhile. I also know I spend far too much time on it. After I announced my decision to my friends, I received a slew of messages asking if I was okay. I explained to everyone that I simply need a break. I do need a break. And I’m proud of myself for making this decision. It will help me spend more time in the “real world”, as real as my world can be. It might also inspire me to dive back into the fictional world of my stories and to compose more music. I’ve needed that for awhile.

I think it’s the little things that stack up in one way or another that determine my confidence level. What have I done, no matter how small, that helped someone today? What have I done that has helped me grow? What have I done that will push me towards being the best self I can be in this moment?

I am glad for this social media break because it will give me time to grow. I am often tugged around by my Facebook feed, half of which is very liberal, with the other half being very conservative. It’s scary and often makes me wonder how long it will be before humanity implodes. This is not a good train of thought to take.

I was inspired to take this break by this piece from Longreads. It backs up the opinions of my husband and family, saying things that they have been saying for years. Although social media has been very inspiring and enlightening, especially when it comes to my identity. I didn’t know what nonbinary gender identities were until a Facebook friend invited me to a nonbinary group and I found that a lot of what people were going through I related to, also. That would have taken a long time to discover were it not for Facebook! I’m thankful for that.

I’m also reminded of a hashtag I used to document an important time of my life – #TheGrandAdventure2015. I made it to try and feel better about a string of hard days and months. It worked. I think it can be applied to now in this period of self-discovery. I’m still on an adventure, and I’m proud of it.

I’m proud of my identity.

I’m proud of my ability to overcome the challenges I’ve been faced with.

I’m proud that I’m here today on this fabulous Agender Adventure.

Thank you for reading, as always!

Until next post,

-Meg

PS. If you feel so inclined to look/buy, I made Agender Adventurer stickers. See below!

Agender Adventurer Sticker

A die cut sticker with the colors of the Agender pride flag with two triangles that reads "Agender Adventurer."

$5.00

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Completion in Green

Sometimes I make art, and most of the time it looks like this. Most of the time I would say that I suck at art, but occasionally I make a piece that I’m proud of. This is a sketch that I made at the request of a friend, and it helped put me in a more calm state. There’s something special about making art for me, and sometimes it’s more calming than making music. Photography is also up there for me. This is Completion In Green.

To make this piece, I used Autodesk Sketchbook. I set the color wheel to a vibrant green and began to play with the different shades. This was the result. My husband once saw some art of mine a few months ago and probably could have sworn I was tripping on some kind of hallucinogen. I wasn’t, that’s just how I draw. Maybe the drawings are dredged up remnants of nightmares. If you look at this piece, you’ll see a face with their mouth covered. I don’t have a true meaning for this piece, but it was kind of inspired by Edvard Munch’s The Scream. Maybe I just like playing with pretty colors.

I like making art because it mainly involves my hands and doesn’t involve dwelling on my past like many of my other favorite activities do. I wonder if making art unleashes my true self as much as writing does. I think I’m a few steps behind poetry or even music as far as creating happy, peaceful things. I’m still trying to spill my darkness onto the page. I seem to favor bright colors and odd subject matter. This is how I create, it invokes certain strong emotions, even if the emotions are shock and disgust. I don’t think that that will change until I manage to get all of my darkness out onto the pages in some way, shape, or form.

Another thing I love about creating art, especially electronic art, is that I tend to stay away from realism so I don’t beat myself up for making mistakes like I would were I drawing something real. With the art that I make, the world may never know that that splotch over there in the corner is a mistake to me.

Maybe I’ll vent darkness for awhile. Maybe my work will turn peaceful. I am me, and how I create is how I create.

Until next post,

Meg