Off the Mic

Hello, friends!

I have a confession to make.

I am not a very good listener. I like to talk more than I like to listen and wait for my turn to talk rather than processing what the other person has to say and offer.

This prevents me from gaining a lot of  wisdom that I could have captured more easily had I listened. This goes for all things. Spiritual things have to hit me like a freight train in order for me to even notice them, making a still, small voice out of the question for me. I miss out on a lot of good insights in group discussions because I’m waiting to prove my point. I don’t pay attention to nature or my surroundings because my head is in the clouds constantly. I’m not grounded in “reality”, I have no patience for it, and as such I miss the magic of the everyday.

My dad didn’t miss the magic of the everyday, he reveled in it. One of my favorite things he said was that after he prayed, he had to stop talking, take his thumb off the mic and listen. A lot of the time, there would be an answer there somewhere in his thoughts or in his surroundings. This reminds me of something that happened in 2017.

I was at an Al-Anon (the organization for families of alcoholics) meeting place waiting for the meeting to begin. I was an hour early and I started missing my dad and crying and praying. As I was praying, I saw a cat appear out of some bushes, climb up on the bench where I was sitting, and sleep next to me.


This is the cat, and to this day I don’t know his or her name. Regardless of this, this cat was the blessing I needed in that moment. I took my thumb off the mic and I listened. The universe spoke.

I’m not here to say that I should be completely silent all the time, but when the time comes, I should not check out and instead be present. A lot of the time, my own mental noise drowns out a message quicker than the noise around me. I need to work on quieting my mind and being here. It’s not easy being here, and sometimes it’s easier to just check out, especially if it’s a hard conversation. But I think the hard conversations are the ones that need presence the most. This ties into my forgetfulness, I think. If I were more present, I’d remember more.

I’m not a failure for forgetting things, I must keep telling myself. I’m where I am now, and I must keep going. I haven’t come this far just to stop. Someday I will look back on the journey I have taken and think to myself, “that’s a long path, but it was so worth it. I have learned so much. I have been though hard times, but I have risen above what was expected of me, both by myself and by others. I am unapologetically myself. Nobody can take that from me.”

I thank the universe and God for bringing me to where I am. I am here in this moment, in this meditative time. I am a channel for goodness and hope. I am a child of God and the universe, and I am worthy of a seat at the table. Time to take my thumb off the mic and listen.

Love,

Meg

Did this help? If so, buy me a coffee here and keep the good times rolling!

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Synchronicity

My friend called me wise yesterday.

We had been on a call and I told her that I was hungry, so she almost commanded me to go eat. I listened. She would later tell me that as soon as we hung up, her supervisor called and she went on an adventure, for lack of a better word, and seemed to have had a very good time. I didn’t understand why that was wise, but if I had to guess, I think it was because I listened to her. I didn’t intend for there to be any kind of wisdom there, but I suppose by listening, I allowed for it.

I’m a firm believer that there is a plan for everything. A lot of times I have no idea what path my actions will take me down, but I do know that there are certain points – meeting a friend, moving someplace – where a grand plan is more apparent. Others, like being told to end a phone call because I’m hungry and sad, are less obvious, but equally as powerful.

I’ve been seeking to make a change for good recently, and what I seek has also been seeking me. That’s evident now. My Nana calls these moments where everything lines up “synchronicities”, and I’m getting better at noticing them. There are simple actions I take sometimes that cause powerful things to happen.

One snowy night, I was at a birthday party in Rexburg, Idaho, and I was not having a good time. I left early, driving through the snow as carefully as I could. That care didn’t stop me from almost colliding with two other students as I parked. I suck at parking. Everyone was okay, and I recognized one of them, a friend of mine I had made a few weeks back but hadn’t seen in a little while. The other was someone I had never met before. The three of us got to talking, and by the time I left Rexburg, I had gained two true friends who had saved my life a few times. They taught me how to trust again after my last awful relationship, and I am so thankful for them.

One of my strong beliefs is that we’re given the things and people we need in the time we need them. My husband arrived exactly when he needed to, for I needed him when I didn’t yet know it.

He’s taught me so much about how to love and how to be a better human. Marriage is a fun thing, but also very difficult at times. I’ll be the first to say that I’m not super great at working as a team, but I’m learning. It’s like sticking two rocks in a tumbling machine. The rocks lose their jagged edges if all goes well and both become shiny and smooth. That’s our goal.

And all because of a synchronicity.

I’m thankful for God’s (or your own Higher Power’s) wisdom. It’s infinite. They know how to guide our lives and know us better than we know ourselves, and know what’s best for us. I’m thankful for that. I’m thankful for the synchronicities that have led me here.

Until next post,

Meg

A windless day

I don’t quite know what I’m writing about yet, so I’m hoping the writing flow will guide me. I hope what I write today will help someone.

My mind feels like a lake on a windless day, flat and clear. It’s a perfect reflection of the sky, and all is calm. I feel numb in a way, too. I don’t know if this is called “stability”, and this worries me. I don’t like feeling numb. Perhaps I’m too used to overwhelmingly strong emotions, so the lack of them is frightening. Maybe this is what serenity feels like.

I like the image of the lake reflecting the sky. I’m serene enough to become a mirror. A simple mirror. I hope that the people see themselves in me as I see them. I hope their reflection helps them see who they truly are. And who they truly are is beautiful.

I don’t know what you need, gentle readers. I’m using this writing time to meditate on what you might need and then to say it. I hope I can hit the nail on the head for you.

In my mental windless day, I see things more clearly. I am balanced, even though I’m slightly unsettled. I’ve always wished for balance, and I never thought I would find it. In the few times in which I have found it, it’s always been frightening. I feel like something’s wrong with me, even though it’s just my wish being granted without me knowing. That’s kind of how some wishes are granted – in surprising and mysterious ways. My wishes are important, and my needs are fulfilled in the times they need to be and in the ways they should be.

In realizing that I am serene, I’m able to see a bigger picture. I’m able to hope for something more grand than myself and start to feel hope that I can make a difference. I’m not saying I’m an idealist. I’m far from it. I spend time mired in depression. I spend time riding manic highs. But perhaps serenity is something that I haven’t valued in the past.

I don’t think serenity is a pure calm. I think that it’s balance between, in my case, my manic highs and depressive lows. Perhaps not a lack of them, but a lull between the two and a place where I can see clearly. I don’t think it should unsettle me. It shouldn’t be seen as a numbness or something to dread. It’s something to strive for.

I want to use this serenity to help others. My mind has been tidied up and I am in a position to listen and empathize. I can’t properly help others before my own mind is orderly. I haven’t felt this kind of balance before. Emotions are present, but I’m not swept away towards either end of the spectrum. Since my head is clear, I’m better able to solve any mental problems of my own that may try to sneak up on me. I realize that strong emotions are not the key to a healthy existence, yet I know that the highs and lows will return again. I can’t kill my highs or lows, they must simply be experienced. I need to use the manic for the good I can do, and do the best I can during the depression.

I also want to be the kind of person who helps people see who they truly are. I want to encourage people to be their true self and let them know through my actions that they are okay to be authentic around me. I don’t want to shame others for expressing who they are. I know I will fail many times, but I’m human and I’m trying. I want to be someone who changes lives. I know I can do it one person at a time. Even if I can only touch one person today, that one person can take what I gave them and initiate a series of ripples that can change the world!

Call me cheesy, but that’s what gets me through the day, serene or not. That’s my philosophy. I get discouraged because I want to touch more than just the people I have thought I have, but then my husband reminds me of my own philosophy. I may have helped more people than I realized, and I may never realize the good I did. But that good has been done and it is very real.

On windless mental days like these, I used to panic, thinking something was gravely wrong with my mental health. But perhaps I really am serene? Maybe the good I mean to do does mean something? My hope by writing here is that I will help you feel less alone. There’s something so powerful to me about having someone just listen while I talk. Thank you for being that for me! It’s my hope and prayer that you see yourself in me and that you smile at yourself.

Some days are hard. Some are easy. Others the wind goes away completely and you’re left as a clear lake, reflecting the sky. Are you serene?

Until next post,

Meg

A celebration, part two

Hello, all! I may sound like a wacko during this post.

Yesterday I spoke about my identity as an agender person and how I am proud of that. I thought about that post all day and grappled with how I would explain it to someone who is unfamiliar with the term agender and is as such confused by it. I learned last night that to some agender and other labels for ourselves can be seen as jargon and that most of these people know what we’re talking about, they just need to hear it a different way.

The way my husband understands it is that I am becoming acquainted with myself and that myself is not aligned with any concept with any traditional idea of masculinity or femininity. I am, simply, me. It was the label that threw him.

There’s more to it than alignments or even what I would call gender, there’s an element of the sacred. I was mid phone call with one of my dearest friends when I had a major realization. Perhaps when I am being my true self, I am able to connect with the spiritual far easier than if I were fighting myself. I’m hesitant to say that the windows of Heaven open when this happens, but all of this poking of “I hear you” begins to mean something greater. He sees me as who I am when I’m aligned, and so do I. In that way, knowing who I am as a person is a crucial element in my communication with God. When I’m in that state, everything I do feels like a prayer and my prayers themselves are amplified.

When I’m in my prayer state, I am given courage, and courage with wisdom comes power to be used in the correct times and places and not abused. I keep getting poked with another impression:

“Write. Speak up. You’re in a place where people will listen, and if not now, when? You’ve been given power, use it.”

It’s strange because I keep remembering a more hidden goal of mine to become so meshed with the spiritual and with God that people feel connected just by being around me. Something tells me that it will turn into that if I keep going down this path.

I won’t ever become or claim to be a speaker for anyone but myself since most of my impressions deal with becoming who I am supposed to be, but I will use the wisdom I receive and share with y’all.

I’m becoming deeply proud of who I am and am celebrating these discoveries. Thank you so much for coming along with me so far!

Until next post,

Meg