On The Merits Of Forgiving Myself

Hello, friends!

At first I was going to write more about eating (specifically overeating) and weight loss, but I figured that that would lead to no end of self sabotaging thoughts, so I decided to write about something both harder and easier to write about – forgiving myself. Does this include forgiving myself for overeating? Yes. It’s hard, but it’s going to be worth it.

I say “going to be” because I am still a beginner in this journey. I still beat myself up for things I did 6 months – no, six years ago, and possibly longer ago than that. My dad always said that holding a resentment against someone else was like holding onto a hot coal and blowing on it continuously as it burns through the holder’s hand. But what about holding a resentment against oneself?

I’d say it’s like taking that same hot coal and swallowing it, expecting it to cool off as it burns through you. It’s equally as harmful, if not more so. I’m learning this so much as I discover how badly holding grudges against myself harms me as much as the grudges I hold against others do. I have spent so much time afraid to fail because my inner critic has yelled at me for things I had done wrong in the past. An example of this would be when I tell myself I’m a terrible person because I upset my husband one day or two days in a row. This way of thinking discounts all of the good things I do both for him and for the world at large. Couple that with calling myself a failure and it’s as damaging as it would be had someone else called me that.

Consider the cumulative effect of calling yourself a failure.

If you say or hear something enough, you start to accept it as truth. I started to fall into that “coming up short” mindset when I was about 15. I felt I didn’t meet my church’s standards of a good girl because I experienced “impure thoughts”. Somehow that made me less of a good person! I internalized that fear and it became a part of my being until I left the Church when I was 20. I was also told I was selfish a lot growing up, and I internalized that, too. To this day, my inner critic takes on the voice and tone of people who have criticized me in the past. There are times when I can’t remember the voices of the people themselves until my inner critic is coming at me. I viewed myself as a failure for many years, even believing that God saw me as such. After all, what all-knowing God could love a human who thought such impure thoughts and was so selfish? In other words, I took what I had heard and told myself and didn’t believe it even if I was presented with evidence to counter these thoughts.

I must have glossed over the sermons where God loves me despite my flaws and the fact that I do come up short all the time. That is the Great Constant, and I didn’t realize it was there until I was 21. It was then that I started to learn that failure wasn’t defeat because that love is constant and unwavering. Backed with that new knowledge, I began to see myself in a different light, and I began to learn that forgiving myself isn’t just an aspect of self care. It is essential for me to progress.

Remember that description of swallowing that hot coal? Imagine what that would do! You would be severely injured and it is likely you would die. But what if you buried that hot coal?

This is the hard part, at least for me, and there are plenty of days where I can’t do what I’m about to describe. A person’s experiences are valid, and ours are no exception. Sometimes this takes time.

On an ideal day, the first step is recognizing that what I did was a mistake. I may have done something really bad, but the first thing I try to do is realize that nine times out of ten I haven’t done something so wrong that I can’t come back from it. Second, I make amends if it is a person I have harmed or wronged. If I find myself beating myself up over my mistake a few hours afterward after having done this, it usually means I haven’t done step three, planning how I can do better the next time I come across an opportunity to do the same thing. Step three may be the most comforting in many situations because it helps me realize that this isn’t the end and I shouldn’t beat the shit out of myself if I have a plan for the future. Odds are, this is a small mistake that the other person won’t remember the next day unless they are reminded of it.

It’s normal to have crap days. It’s normal to be clumsy. It’s normal to mess up. It’s how you choose to handle it that determines how you’ll progress in my experience.

It can be very hard for some to forgive themselves, and I don’t want you to take this as another opportunity to kick the shit out of yourself if this is something you experience. This takes time and will not happen overnight. With small moves it will get better, though. It takes work and I’m still working on it.

Before I leave you, I have promised myself that I will write down ten things I am thankful for today.

Here they are:

  1. My husband and his patience
  2. This laptop where I can write
  3. This blog and the outlet it provides
  4. Alex, Berri, Stephen, Athena, and Esme, my instruments
  5. This quiet basement
  6. “Take On Me” by A-ha, which I am writing to
  7. That I am awake right now
  8. That we actually have bagels with cream cheese at this moment in time
  9. That I know how to write and have had this gift fostered my whole life
  10. My hair, which is growing
  11. Chadwick, my lizard baby
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What Will We Do When We’re Sober?

Hello, friends!

I chose this line from “Sober” by Lorde as the title because this song meant the world to me during a time that I used to look on with shame and something closer to disgust. But like with many things in my life, I find that my perspective on it has changed. In hindsight, I believe now that I was trying to thrive.

The period I am referring to is the time I spent at Idaho school. I may not have been perfect. I may have gone off my meds for some time. But I think that the anger I felt and the questions I started to ask were valid.

Let me begin by saying that if you think you’re loving someone by only supporting them with money and not listening to the other things they say or being there for them when they need help with something that you think isn’t real or valid to talk about, you aren’t loving them properly. With that being said, let’s go on.

In Idaho school, I started to strike out on my own. I would stay up all night at times and skip doses of my meds, which would throw my moods off, but I began to understand things more. And in the process, I got very angry at my mother because I felt she was only throwing money at me instead of listening to me and supporting me in ways I needed more help with. And since she was throwing money at me, she felt I had no right to be angry at her. She wouldn’t let me be about her thoughts on my “mental illness”, and chocked my “derailing” up to that. When I tried to express my anger or my emotions, they were shut down.

As such, I began to associate that time with shame and something close to disgust. After everything that has transpired these last few months, I have come to realize that my anger was and is likely justified. Giving some money does not equal love for them, no matter how many times someone claims it is.

I made a few bad decisions, that’s true. But I wish she had listened to me. I know I lost my dad, who was my favorite person. That may have messed me up and derailed me temporarily, but that didn’t give her the right or privilege to dismiss my feelings as not real or inconvenient, even if she didn’t understand them. I wish she would have made an effort to understand.

Where to now?

I have been trying to forgive her, but it hurts like hell. I’m not sure how to forgive her yet, but I think it’s a journey and I’m supposed to trust the process. I can’t expect her to understand right now, nor can I barge up to her or tell her off. If she ever reads this, I hope she won’t get angry and will instead try to listen. Please.

It’s strange how my outlook on life has changed and how some things turn negative when they once were positive. I read once or twice that there’s opposition in all things. Everything has a light and dark side and nothing is purely good or evil, and sometimes perspectives change. Mine definitely has.

I will leave you with this –

If you’re in a situation where you’re struggling, don’t hesitate to drop me an email at magoadportas@gmail.com. I look forward to hearing from you.

Love,

Mago