I chose this line from “Sober” by Lorde as the title because this song meant the world to me during a time that I used to look on with shame and something closer to disgust. But like with many things in my life, I find that my perspective on it has changed. In hindsight, I believe now that I was trying to thrive.
The period I am referring to is the time I spent at Idaho school. I may not have been perfect. I may have gone off my meds for some time. But I think that the anger I felt and the questions I started to ask were valid.
Let me begin by saying that if you think you’re loving someone by only supporting them with money and not listening to the other things they say or being there for them when they need help with something that you think isn’t real or valid to talk about, you aren’t loving them properly. With that being said, let’s go on.
In Idaho school, I started to strike out on my own. I would stay up all night at times and skip doses of my meds, which would throw my moods off, but I began to understand things more. And in the process, I got very angry at my mother because I felt she was only throwing money at me instead of listening to me and supporting me in ways I needed more help with. And since she was throwing money at me, she felt I had no right to be angry at her. She wouldn’t let me be about her thoughts on my “mental illness”, and chocked my “derailing” up to that. When I tried to express my anger or my emotions, they were shut down.
As such, I began to associate that time with shame and something close to disgust. After everything that has transpired these last few months, I have come to realize that my anger was and is likely justified. Giving some money does not equal love for them, no matter how many times someone claims it is.
I made a few bad decisions, that’s true. But I wish she had listened to me. I know I lost my dad, who was my favorite person. That may have messed me up and derailed me temporarily, but that didn’t give her the right or privilege to dismiss my feelings as not real or inconvenient, even if she didn’t understand them. I wish she would have made an effort to understand.
Where to now?
I have been trying to forgive her, but it hurts like hell. I’m not sure how to forgive her yet, but I think it’s a journey and I’m supposed to trust the process. I can’t expect her to understand right now, nor can I barge up to her or tell her off. If she ever reads this, I hope she won’t get angry and will instead try to listen. Please.
It’s strange how my outlook on life has changed and how some things turn negative when they once were positive. I read once or twice that there’s opposition in all things. Everything has a light and dark side and nothing is purely good or evil, and sometimes perspectives change. Mine definitely has.
I will leave you with this –
If you’re in a situation where you’re struggling, don’t hesitate to drop me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org. I look forward to hearing from you.