It’s me! [gender post]

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It’s been a bit since I wrote about gender.

I have been thinking about this quite a lot, especially since June is Pride Month. I have spoken a bit about it before, but while we are on the subject of gender and the like, I am mentally aligned with no gender that I know of and I am attracted to people based on who they are, not what kind of bodies they have. I am happily married to the love of my life, a man. I would not trade him or our relationship for anything. One more thing:

This is new! I have been calling myself Mago in my head for some time, and it fits. Most people who already know me will continue calling me Meg, and that’s fine with me. But if we’re meeting for the first time online, please call me Mago. It’s taking a lot of courage to go about doing this and there are a lot of inner critics screaming at me right now, but it is my hope that I will inspire someone on this journey.

I was once told that this form of self exploration goes against “who I truly am” and that I am “not being myself” when I come out and say that I am anything but what people expect me to be. I would like to pose a question to the critics, both internal and external:

How can you dictate who I am when first, you are not me, and second, I myself am still figuring that out?

The simple answer is that no, you can’t say a damn thing. You don’t have the right to since you aren’t me. Keep that in mind, friends, as you think about yourselves. Are you letting someone else tell you who you are?

I grew tired of people telling me who to be some time ago and I am just now putting it into words. I went through my teens hearing two things either through word or action: “Your emotions are inconvenient, so therefore you must have bipolar disorder and be crazy because you feel more strongly than I can handle”, and “Being anything but how you’re expected to be is madness and must mean you’re at risk of going crazy. See #1.” These expectations were unrealistic at best, cruel at worst, and they ended up having a deep effect on me. Ask yourself this: if you’re feeling more strongly than someone else can handle and you’re doing your best to live correctly, whose problem is that? I’d say that’s a them problem. Not a problem with you. Those who demand explanations as to why you are being yourself are often those who least deserve them.

Since getting out of where I grew up, I have flourished. I’m not read as a person who is crazy or at risk of it anymore. I am able to think how I want without having my ideas shot down. No longer do I have to weigh whether or not a certain feeling would cause me to be viewed as insane were it to be expressed.

This environment has fostered much thought. Some people may genuinely want to know about what my identity is, but are thrown by more modern terminology. So while it’s important to be proud of who I am, it’s also important to be able to inform people who want to know what’s going on, but may be thrown by labels that are fairly new. Some may say differently, but think about it this way – if you are teaching someone a new language, you don’t expect them to know everything already. You take them from the very beginning to more advanced concepts slowly. I have people like this in my life who are genuinely curious, but they need to hear it in their language, not ours. This doesn’t make us less of who we are, we’re seeing it from another angle. This is important if we want people to learn about us.

This is why I said what I said in the opening paragraphs instead of the newer terms agender and pansexual. If you don’t expect to educate others who want or need to know, don’t expect to be understood. People are more likely to listen if they can what I’m saying!

So what does all of this mean for me? This means that I don’t like to be referred to as “she” or “he”, but rather with the singular they, like this:

“Mago is going to the store, can you ask them if they want anything?”

Essentially, when in doubt, refer to me and people who prefer the singular they as though you don’t know our gender or are trying to keep it a secret.

I also like to wear a lot of button downs, hence the name of this blog! But that’s not horribly important, because even if you wear dresses and makeup all the time, you can still be agender within and that’s what counts.

If you fall somewhere on the glorious LGBTQ dartboard, you DO NOT HAVE TO COME OUT this Pride Month. I see a ton of “I’m [insert identity here]” posts on social media, and I so badly want to come out to the world, but I don’t yet feel safe expressing myself in that forum. I still get people who worry themselves sick on social media anytime I post anything sad! Please use your best judgment and stay safe.

I love all y’all. God and the universe love you, too.

Mago

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A celebration, part two

Hello, all! I may sound like a wacko during this post.

Yesterday I spoke about my identity as an agender person and how I am proud of that. I thought about that post all day and grappled with how I would explain it to someone who is unfamiliar with the term agender and is as such confused by it. I learned last night that to some agender and other labels for ourselves can be seen as jargon and that most of these people know what we’re talking about, they just need to hear it a different way.

The way my husband understands it is that I am becoming acquainted with myself and that myself is not aligned with any concept with any traditional idea of masculinity or femininity. I am, simply, me. It was the label that threw him.

There’s more to it than alignments or even what I would call gender, there’s an element of the sacred. I was mid phone call with one of my dearest friends when I had a major realization. Perhaps when I am being my true self, I am able to connect with the spiritual far easier than if I were fighting myself. I’m hesitant to say that the windows of Heaven open when this happens, but all of this poking of “I hear you” begins to mean something greater. He sees me as who I am when I’m aligned, and so do I. In that way, knowing who I am as a person is a crucial element in my communication with God. When I’m in that state, everything I do feels like a prayer and my prayers themselves are amplified.

When I’m in my prayer state, I am given courage, and courage with wisdom comes power to be used in the correct times and places and not abused. I keep getting poked with another impression:

“Write. Speak up. You’re in a place where people will listen, and if not now, when? You’ve been given power, use it.”

It’s strange because I keep remembering a more hidden goal of mine to become so meshed with the spiritual and with God that people feel connected just by being around me. Something tells me that it will turn into that if I keep going down this path.

I won’t ever become or claim to be a speaker for anyone but myself since most of my impressions deal with becoming who I am supposed to be, but I will use the wisdom I receive and share with y’all.

I’m becoming deeply proud of who I am and am celebrating these discoveries. Thank you so much for coming along with me so far!

Until next post,

Meg