What People Might Think

Hello, friends!

Yesterday I wrote about my Poem a Day challenge and how I’m starting that again. Something I briefly touched on during that time is the importance of writing just to write, regardless of how awful it can possibly be. I had forgotten about that before I started working on that post. I’m glad I remembered it.

Part of this paralysis goes for blogging, as well – I have read so many articles that say that you have to write good posts 100% of the time or nobody will care about what you have to say, which is a ton of pressure for someone like me. I put a lot – too much – stock into what others think of me, and it’s really damaging at times because I sometimes sacrifice my own opinions and beliefs in favor of maintaining my reputation and not rocking the boat. I know I ask my husband and friends for help with making most of my decisions. This is frustrating for them because I’m 22, for crying out loud. My problem is that I’m afraid I’ll piss someone off if I don’t ask for help because I might do something they disapprove of, so it’s better to get clearance before I do something people might think is stupid.

The key phrase here is “people might think”. I am afraid of what people might think of me or my actions. I used to not be so afraid of this, but it has gotten worse over the years. I am afraid of messing up, so I don’t try to do things I don’t know how to automatically do. I fear the thoughts of others more than just about anything else on this Earth, and it’s taken me this long to figure it out. For someone who preaches the value of saying “screw the world, I’m gonna be me” a lot, I sure don’t take that to heart. I am afraid of people being angry or upset with me to the point where when somebody even remotely raises their voice at me, I start shutting down and it takes a great deal of effort to remain in the moment. It sometimes gets to the point where I just hide because I’m so afraid of annoying people. It’s not necessary, I know that. I know that those around me care even though I am annoying sometimes. I fear being seen as annoying almost as much as I fear disapproval or failure. These fears make me shut down more often than I care to admit.

Again, however, we can distill everything down to that one key phrase – what people might think – only let’s take it a step further. I often don’t realize that people don’t always react to things the way I fear or expect they will. Most of the time, my fears come from me blowing things way out of proportion. People are often so absorbed in their own lives and are in their own heads that they don’t even notice the thing I was afraid they would see. An example of this is wearing my favorite lipstick, a black matte. This lipstick makes me feel like myself more than any of my other lipsticks except for maybe my dark green colored one.  It matches how I feel at the moment. Some people have asked if I’m becoming a goth, others have said that they can’t take me seriously. Others love it. I love it. That’s what matters. Most people surely look at me and say to themselves, “oh, that human is wearing black lipstick” and then move on with their day. It fits me and is nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. The same thing goes for when I make a mistake in public and I start to dwell on it. I have to tell myself that these people don’t know me and I will likely never see them again. This helps me laugh the incident off and feel better.

In the end, it’s important to realize that people make mistakes and that nobody is perfect. Like writing low-quality things or things that don’t really fit your niche, it’s important to get that experience and practice you wouldn’t get otherwise. Spending time in your craft is so important, even if you suck at first. You are loved, remember that.

Best,

Mago

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The Universe I’m Helpless In

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Hello, all! This song is in my ears as I write this post. I love this song and it fits the vibe I’m going for perfectly. It’s called “Venus” and it’s by Sleeping At Last. One of the commenters on this video put it perfectly:

Everyone else [is] talking about how they want somebody to sing this song to them, but I want to find the person who I will want to sing this to.

CuriousAuthor, Youtube

I discovered it after having a dream about a prince.

This dream took place in October of 2017, nearly a year to the day before I married my husband. In this dream, I was a noblewoman trapped in my room at the hands of my evil guardian. I was given an assistant, an imp named Rose Red, for company, and she was important.

There was a prince who was determined to court me, and I cruelly rebuffed him every time he climbed up to my window. Finally, Rose Red grew fed up with my stubbornness and insisted that I gave him a chance. I caved in and listened, and we fell in love.

I woke the following day to find that I couldn’t shake the dream from my mind, and I thought about it all day. I went to an Al-Anon meeting (more about Al-Anon here) and sat in the car in my yard after it, pondering the dream deeply.

My thoughts were answered in a profound way. A thought that didn’t come from me whispered, “He is out there. Keep working on yourself and he will find you.” It hit me like a tidal wave. I became deeply involved in my spirituality for a time, and that was when I discovered “Venus”, which struck me as a thing my prince would sing to me. In November, my prince appeared. I didn’t know it yet, but come December, I received a follow up impression as I was juggling five crushes at once, confused as hell, referring to them all as Players 1-5. “THE FINAL PLAYER HAS ENTERED THE GAME,” the impression said in a very caps-lock-esque tone. It was like I had placed a phone call and someone picked up on the other line or activated a glow stick. I knew then that the prince was close. It turned out to be my husband. He swept me off my feet, and we were married the following October.

It’s strange how the universe brings me what I need exactly when I need it. It’s a testament to how deeply I am loved. I also find that loving my husband is like the commenter said, not being sung to, but trying to sing to my beloved. And the best songs are when we sing together.

It’s stranger how I knew he was coming, in way. This is an important detail because I was deeply connected at that time and listened. It takes a hefty dose of caffeine to get that much in tune, and I’m fairly certain I had at least 2 shots of espresso and a cold brew AND an Earl Grey lemonade in me at that point. I was vibrating and about to teleport, basically. The caffeine is important to me because it gets my mind tuned to the right frequency, so to speak. I’m thankful for that.

A question remains – how do I remain in tune?

I know part of it is having faith in myself and faith that I am not given more than I can handle (more about that in this post). I find that worry, anger, and fear cloud my spiritual senses. As Frank Herbert wrote in Dune, fear is the mind killer. I think that’s important. I was talking to my friend about starting projects and she asked if I knew why I was hesitant about my projects. We arrived at the same conclusion – I am afraid to start. What would I do if I weren’t afraid of failure? I know I would make a lot of messes, that’s for sure. I wouldn’t be afraid of cleaning them up. I would not lack fear, I would cope with it and manage it, asking it what it needed. I would trust in God and the universe more. I would trust people who matter more. I would not fear making mistakes or failure as much as I do. Failure isn’t a permanent defeat. This thought has kept me going since I thought it; I don’t dwell on death anymore. I don’t fear life anymore and I actually enjoy living nowadays even though it hurts sometimes. I would not shy away from my own worthiness and good destiny. I must remember that I am helpless in the universe in the best way and I trust it.

We are given only what we can handle because God and the universe love us with an infinite love. We are given what we can handle to stimulate us and help us grow, but they don’t leave us stranded. We are also given what we need in the time we need it! I’ve said this before, but my husband is an example of this and so is my lizard baby, Chadwick. We are given a seat at the universe’s table.

I have been doing a lot of reading about affirmations and intentions, so I will leave you with both an affirmation and an intention.

Affirmation: I am a being of great spiritual power. I am capable of doing great things.

Intention: Opportunities to do good are heading my way. The universe is kind and sending me what I need. What I seek is also seeking me.

Love,

MJ

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Off the Mic

Hello, friends!

I have a confession to make.

I am not a very good listener. I like to talk more than I like to listen and wait for my turn to talk rather than processing what the other person has to say and offer.

This prevents me from gaining a lot of  wisdom that I could have captured more easily had I listened. This goes for all things. Spiritual things have to hit me like a freight train in order for me to even notice them, making a still, small voice out of the question for me. I miss out on a lot of good insights in group discussions because I’m waiting to prove my point. I don’t pay attention to nature or my surroundings because my head is in the clouds constantly. I’m not grounded in “reality”, I have no patience for it, and as such I miss the magic of the everyday.

My dad didn’t miss the magic of the everyday, he reveled in it. One of my favorite things he said was that after he prayed, he had to stop talking, take his thumb off the mic and listen. A lot of the time, there would be an answer there somewhere in his thoughts or in his surroundings. This reminds me of something that happened in 2017.

I was at an Al-Anon (the organization for families of alcoholics) meeting place waiting for the meeting to begin. I was an hour early and I started missing my dad and crying and praying. As I was praying, I saw a cat appear out of some bushes, climb up on the bench where I was sitting, and sleep next to me.


This is the cat, and to this day I don’t know his or her name. Regardless of this, this cat was the blessing I needed in that moment. I took my thumb off the mic and I listened. The universe spoke.

I’m not here to say that I should be completely silent all the time, but when the time comes, I should not check out and instead be present. A lot of the time, my own mental noise drowns out a message quicker than the noise around me. I need to work on quieting my mind and being here. It’s not easy being here, and sometimes it’s easier to just check out, especially if it’s a hard conversation. But I think the hard conversations are the ones that need presence the most. This ties into my forgetfulness, I think. If I were more present, I’d remember more.

I’m not a failure for forgetting things, I must keep telling myself. I’m where I am now, and I must keep going. I haven’t come this far just to stop. Someday I will look back on the journey I have taken and think to myself, “that’s a long path, but it was so worth it. I have learned so much. I have been though hard times, but I have risen above what was expected of me, both by myself and by others. I am unapologetically myself. Nobody can take that from me.”

I thank the universe and God for bringing me to where I am. I am here in this moment, in this meditative time. I am a channel for goodness and hope. I am a child of God and the universe, and I am worthy of a seat at the table. Time to take my thumb off the mic and listen.

Love,

Meg

Did this help? If so, buy me a coffee here and keep the good times rolling!

Live in Color

I might start just writing in verse every Thursday. Verse Thursday.

I.

Starting new is the strangest

thing –

double spaced becomes something

different to me

“we won’t have to be scared”

is that really a quote, or

something closer to something

everyone screams in their lifetime?

everything revolved around college

for a time –

how’s it going?

people would ask and i would frown

wishing they would be quiet and

leave me be for once


but now things are different

i wish i had read more about

attrition rates before even going

all of my friends are graduating

and while i don’t feel left behind,

it’s something like that.

II.

here comes the rain –

it’s something we expect but aren’t

hoping for

I trust the sky a bit too much

I don’t trust the ground

I’m too afraid of it falling out from

underneath me

why am i living in the same color

green as Alaska in spring?

why is everything blooming?


if there’s spring in a place that most

would deem unfit to have one

why can’t there be spring in me?

am i forbidden from blooming?

must i understand the happiness

within me?

I wish I could help the people who

need to bloom.

my husband is in his jail of an office

doing far too much tech support work

than any human should.

he’s a bud who has been in the dark

for too long

and he needs to come into the light.



III.

I am neon pink

coming from black and white

I don’t deserve to be shot in grays

I need to live aloud,

live in color

Stronger

Sometimes I find it hard to write when I’m away from my writing spot, and I sure am feeling the resistance today.

I’m sitting in my car in Anchorage and the sun hasn’t risen yet. It’s around 7:30 and will likely be around 8:30 by the time I finish this post. I’ve got at least two shots of espresso in me and still all I want to do is sleep. I would sleep soundly.

I think I am afraid to write outside of my usual spot in the basement because I now have bad associations with writing in the car. The last time I wrote in the car was when I wrote the the post about “Rebel Rebel” by David Bowie in the parking lot at my old work. Here I am in a parking lot once again, it’s Valentine’s Day, I’m waiting for a friend to call, and I feel hollow.

I’m not yet hollow enough to cry, but I’m getting there. I think parking lots before sunrise are some of the loneliest places I can imagine.

The sky is turning dark blue, the world keeps turning somehow. I want to stop being so scared and be stronger, but my heart is still breaking from yesterday even though I don’t quite remember why my heart was breaking in the first place. I keep telling myself that I should be stronger than I am and beating the shit out of myself when I fall short of my own unrealistic expectations.

I want to leave Anchorage and go back home to the valley where I live, but that’s a long drive and I am not in a headspace where that’s safe. I don’t know how to calm down. I feel a great desire to be stronger than I am, as I have said before.

I beat myself up almost daily for quitting my old job. I feel I should have been able to handle it and I shame myself for not being able to.

I beat myself up for not being able to accomplish simple tasks that take 10-15 minutes for a healthy person to finish. I want to do things, it just hurts in my brain to even make myself move.

I beat myself up for being sad.

I beat myself up for still having waves of debilitating grief over my dad.

I beat myself up for oversleeping or sleeping too little.

I beat myself up for little things that I would give my best friend care and compassion for.

If she or my husband were hurting like this, I would do everything in my power to hear them out and encourage them to take it easy one day at a time. I would encourage them to talk it out with me and tell them to do only what they can and then help when I am needed or wanted. I would make sure that I hear them and make sure they didn’t think they were alone. I would be by their side.

It’s important to me that they are open with what’s going on because sometimes I can’t read them. My best friend is physically far away and sometimes my husband manifests pain differently than I do. So in the same way I want them to tell me what’s going on and keep me informed, perhaps I should listen to what my brain and body need. I need to rest, I know that for certain. I need to be easier on myself. Most of the people around me don’t expect of me what I expect of myself.

I was speaking with a friend of mine who understands what I’m going through. She gave me words of encouragement and said essentially that I’m okay to be where I’m at. I lost my dad three years ago, which is relatively recent. She understands the feeling of it being difficult to accomplish things that are simple to most. She understands me, and that is so important. She makes me feel heard.

So maybe I am strong even though I struggle. I would most certainly think a friend would be were they in the same situation. So why not me?.

Until next post,

Meg

PS. Happy Valentine’s Day. Treat yourself.

Nightmare

I’m writing to calm down today.

I’m anxious as hell and have been from the moment I woke. I had a horrible nightmare. Recently I’ve been relieved of those, but last night they came back with a vengeance. It was all of my recent ones combined into one mega nightmare that left me with a pounding heart when I woke up. I’m so sick of these.

I want to call my husband, but he’s probably super busy and can’t call right now. He’s always swamped at his job. What I really want is a hug. Sleep is getting painful.

That’s part of the reason why I like to stay up late so much. It’s partly because nighttime is largely panic free and partly because most nightmares can’t catch up to me if I’m not asleep. I know it’s bad for me and messes up my sleep schedule, but it’s one of the only times besides my writing time and snuggling my husband that I can feel comfortable and be at peace. It’s a magical time. There’s something soft about being awake at 3 AM.

The times I am asleep, I often sleep through the night. That doesn’t mean pleasant sleep. It’s often riddled with nightmares about bits of past trauma and things I’m afraid of, and I can’t escape. I often wake relieved, or like this morning, terrified. Maybe talking about some of them will help get rid of them.

One of the scariest in hindsight is that my husband is an abusive ex-partner of mine, only claiming to be reformed. He’s my ex’s dreaming world alter ego here, and for some reason I trust him. I trust my husband completely, but if said ex-partner came back into my life somehow, especially claiming to be reformed, I would never trust him. That could open an interesting conversation about forgiveness.

I think that I have forgiven him. The dreams about him were hilarious for a time until this nasty batch of nightmares started to appear, and I grew to be able to laugh at my experiences most days. I don’t wish him ill, I don’t want him to come back. I just want his dream self to go away and stop taking the form of my husband, you know?

I want the nightmares to just go away. Maybe it’s like experiencing my bipolar disorder. Maybe I can’t kill them outright, they must simply be observed and learned from if necessary. I don’t know if any of these nightmares are anything but leftover random fears, and fearing them while waking gives them extra power. I am tired of giving valuable brainpower to fear, especially nightmares. One of my friends once told me to let something bad actually happen before I get scared of it. That was incredibly valuable and important to me.

At the same time, that doesn’t mean that I am to absentmindedly charge into stupid situations in the name of being fearless for fearless’ sake. Safety and sanity are important, too, and perhaps it’s about fearing less for now. It would take one hell of a person to be completely fearless.

I think it’s like the other things I fear. I just need to sit back and wait for them to pass, observing what I feel, not letting it control me. Forcing anything to act a certain way never leads anywhere. Part of observing fear to me could also mean registering when I’m afraid of what people will think of me for being myself. I often still worry that people will view me as off my rocker for being the way I am. People have said that I’m weird for certain things I do, but that to me is secondhand embarrassment sometimes, and that is one of my absolute pet peeves. If what I’m doing causes you to be ashamed of me, I’m being myself, and what I’m doing causes no harm, I’m going to keep doing it, and you don’t have to hang around me. I’m tired of judging myself just because others might be judging me.It gets rid of parts of me that are good.

I’m calmer now. Thank you for listening, always.

Until next post,

Meg

Getting over it

Hello, gentle readers.

I have this recurring nightmare where I have to go back to Texas (where I’m from) and do the long distance thing with my husband again. It’s like everything just resets. It’s terrifying, and I wake and cling to him if he’s still in bed.

I didn’t have many recurring dreams at all until I came up here. But this is one of two major ones that pop up recently, the other one being not really worth discussing.

I don’t know why this dream scares me so badly. I think it’s because my life is more complete here than in Texas. I’m with the love of my life, the environment is beautiful. I don’t know why this dream keeps reappearing, or why I’m even thinking about it.

I’ve been beating the daylights out of myself all day, maybe that’s why. I feel like a quitter. And maybe I am. I quit my job this morning because I felt that the way the management handled mental health was unacceptable and I didn’t want to come home crying again. It’s been a hard time in my brain, as you well know. So I’m torn between thinking my leaving was justified and the right thing to do and yelling at myself for being weak. Being unable to live up to my own expectations of myself. Being a crybaby. Being a quitter.

Essentially, the question I’ve been asking myself is, is it truly okay to put mental health first?

I always wonder that. Sometimes when I hit something near crisis point, I shame myself for even wanting to take a break. For even wanting to relax a little. I bully myself for being “weak”, weak for not being able to reach my own extremely high standards and expectations. The inner bully of mine is very active right now.

Is it truly okay to put mental health first?

I’ve been searching for that answer ever since I was practically bedridden after my dad died. I was never sure when it was okay to skip class in order to make sure that I didn’t break. I was breaking. I was broken. And I was expecting myself to fill a hole that can never truly be filled in a month’s time. Of course my mind turned inside out!

Is it truly okay to put mental health first?

People might see me during a breakdown and be afraid. They might not even believe that what is going through my head is real. After all, it’s very hard to have concrete proof that someone is having a hard day until someone does burst out crying, but then they could be branded as weak or crazy, and that gets nobody anywhere.

Is it truly okay to put mental health first?

When I break down, I hit rock bottom. I don’t want to move, breathe, do anything at all. Some might say grow up, get over it. But from experience, I just…can’t. I’ve been doing what I can to practice self care, but I can’t get over it. It’s like a hurricane. You can’t stop a hurricane, all you can do is wait it out. And that’s what I’m doing now.

Is it truly okay –

Yes. Just because someone else can’t see what I’m going through doesn’t mean I’m not hurting. I am doing what I can, and that is okay.

Perhaps this can be compared to the dream. I don’t have to be stuck, nothing lasts forever. I can wake up someday.

Until next post,

Meg