To not be okay

Hello, all.

I’m currently hanging out in a store while my husband geeks out.

He’s adorable.

I don’t have much to do here but think, and the thought I posed to Instagram is that it is okay to not be okay.

I knew I’ve expressed this thought before here, but it’s important to reiterate often.

I go through a series of bad days at times that often stem from me being cruel to myself. I beat the daylights out of myself for not being perfectly calm all of the time, for not being perfectly here all the time, for not being…perfect. I feel like a horrible wife, friend, and person at times just because I fall short and have bad times. I’m coming to learn that self acceptance is important. I worry that I keep making a massive fool of music on social media. I worry that all my efforts are for nothing. But mistakes will be made. It’s important to know and accept that.

This realization is especially important in my relationships and in running my Golden Apple projects. My husband mentioned today that I’m spreading myself too thin over all of my promotion efforts and that I don’t NEED six million Instagram accounts to promote all of my projects individually. It’s a waste of time. So I have started to unite all of the projects under one big Golden Apple banner with this blog as a hub. This should make me less stressed.

The key mission of the Golden Apple Projects is to help people in as many ways as I possibly can. With all of the promotion I’m throwing out into the world, it’s not going very far and I’m not helping people. I actually feel like I reach the most people through my tutoring, and I want to take that approach – getting to know people individually – and use it with my other projects. I don’t want to just have people who interact with me on a business level, I want to have relationships with them. That would be really cool.

I really want to buy a pair of my own Martin boots that I’ve designed and wear them around town. That would be awesome, especially if I find a place I can make friends. Maybe keep a spare pair in the back of my car.

Things to think about…

Love,

Meg

The Golden Apple Projects:

Music: http://candyfortrees.bandcamp.com

Tutoring: http://wyzant.com/tutors/historynmore

Shoes:

http://goldenapple.shoes

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Completion in Green

Sometimes I make art, and most of the time it looks like this. Most of the time I would say that I suck at art, but occasionally I make a piece that I’m proud of. This is a sketch that I made at the request of a friend, and it helped put me in a more calm state. There’s something special about making art for me, and sometimes it’s more calming than making music. Photography is also up there for me. This is Completion In Green.

To make this piece, I used Autodesk Sketchbook. I set the color wheel to a vibrant green and began to play with the different shades. This was the result. My husband once saw some art of mine a few months ago and probably could have sworn I was tripping on some kind of hallucinogen. I wasn’t, that’s just how I draw. Maybe the drawings are dredged up remnants of nightmares. If you look at this piece, you’ll see a face with their mouth covered. I don’t have a true meaning for this piece, but it was kind of inspired by Edvard Munch’s The Scream. Maybe I just like playing with pretty colors.

I like making art because it mainly involves my hands and doesn’t involve dwelling on my past like many of my other favorite activities do. I wonder if making art unleashes my true self as much as writing does. I think I’m a few steps behind poetry or even music as far as creating happy, peaceful things. I’m still trying to spill my darkness onto the page. I seem to favor bright colors and odd subject matter. This is how I create, it invokes certain strong emotions, even if the emotions are shock and disgust. I don’t think that that will change until I manage to get all of my darkness out onto the pages in some way, shape, or form.

Another thing I love about creating art, especially electronic art, is that I tend to stay away from realism so I don’t beat myself up for making mistakes like I would were I drawing something real. With the art that I make, the world may never know that that splotch over there in the corner is a mistake to me.

Maybe I’ll vent darkness for awhile. Maybe my work will turn peaceful. I am me, and how I create is how I create.

Until next post,

Meg