What Will We Do When We’re Sober?

Hello, friends!

I chose this line from “Sober” by Lorde as the title because this song meant the world to me during a time that I used to look on with shame and something closer to disgust. But like with many things in my life, I find that my perspective on it has changed. In hindsight, I believe now that I was trying to thrive.

The period I am referring to is the time I spent at Idaho school. I may not have been perfect. I may have gone off my meds for some time. But I think that the anger I felt and the questions I started to ask were valid.

Let me begin by saying that if you think you’re loving someone by only supporting them with money and not listening to the other things they say or being there for them when they need help with something that you think isn’t real or valid to talk about, you aren’t loving them properly. With that being said, let’s go on.

In Idaho school, I started to strike out on my own. I would stay up all night at times and skip doses of my meds, which would throw my moods off, but I began to understand things more. And in the process, I got very angry at my mother because I felt she was only throwing money at me instead of listening to me and supporting me in ways I needed more help with. And since she was throwing money at me, she felt I had no right to be angry at her. She wouldn’t let me be about her thoughts on my “mental illness”, and chocked my “derailing” up to that. When I tried to express my anger or my emotions, they were shut down.

As such, I began to associate that time with shame and something close to disgust. After everything that has transpired these last few months, I have come to realize that my anger was and is likely justified. Giving some money does not equal love for them, no matter how many times someone claims it is.

I made a few bad decisions, that’s true. But I wish she had listened to me. I know I lost my dad, who was my favorite person. That may have messed me up and derailed me temporarily, but that didn’t give her the right or privilege to dismiss my feelings as not real or inconvenient, even if she didn’t understand them. I wish she would have made an effort to understand.

Where to now?

I have been trying to forgive her, but it hurts like hell. I’m not sure how to forgive her yet, but I think it’s a journey and I’m supposed to trust the process. I can’t expect her to understand right now, nor can I barge up to her or tell her off. If she ever reads this, I hope she won’t get angry and will instead try to listen. Please.

It’s strange how my outlook on life has changed and how some things turn negative when they once were positive. I read once or twice that there’s opposition in all things. Everything has a light and dark side and nothing is purely good or evil, and sometimes perspectives change. Mine definitely has.

I will leave you with this –

If you’re in a situation where you’re struggling, don’t hesitate to drop me an email at magoadportas@gmail.com. I look forward to hearing from you.

Love,

Mago

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My Best

Hello, gentle readers!

I confess that the last few days have been very hard for me in my brain. I’ve felt useless and inept at work and anxious beforehand. I worry that nobody there likes me or even tolerates me, even though that is untrue and is just anxiety talking. I’m able to get people to laugh some now, and I hope I’m making friends. I like the crew a lot, but I worry more that the managers just flat out despise me.

I had a thought last night that so long as I’m doing my best, I’m okay and I shouldn’t worry about being popular or the managers’ pet. I do want to be liked by as many people as possible, but not everyone will like me. And that’s fine. I just need to be myself and bring my best to the table, whatever those are. And perhaps I don’t want to work in management, I’m undecided about that.

I know what I do want to do – continue to use my writing to help others feel like they aren’t alone. If this venture gets big, it gets big. It’s a piece of my heart, and I am grateful that at least one person is feeling it. That’s all I need – one person. That’s a Mormon thing I hang onto. There’s a powerful Mormon story that, in short, talks about how when one person’s life is changed, that person can in turn change the lives of hundreds. Or just have a better day or have a smile on their face for a little while. I want to make an impact, no matter how small it seems at first. It may be bigger than I think it is. Even if all I can do is make a person feel less alone in the world.

My brain keeps lobbing thoughts of that nature at me. I’ve been contemplating going full agender and encouraging people to use they/them pronouns for me, chopping my messy mop of hair off, and becoming more open about my identity, both gender and otherwise. Part of me wants to remain timid and not rock the boat, but then there’s another part of me that wants to make my gender very apparent and be open about it so that there’s no confusion about who I am and what I stand for. I need to keep it on the quieter side at work, of course, but in other public spots I can be flashy. I want to make one person feel less alone and more free to be themselves.

I heard a saying once that the first follower makes the lone nut into a leader. I’ve been thinking about that. I want to make someone feel less alone in public in a way that they can point at me and say to themselves, “I like this human’s style, and I’ve been wanting to look and feel that way for a long time. Maybe it’s okay to be myself.

Well, dear someone, it is okay to shine. I’m going to prove it to you. I’m going to show you that it’s okay to feel good in your own skin, however that may look for you. Others will judge, but that’s their choice. Don’t listen to them, you are doing well as yourself. I’ll meet you and show you how to be who you are as I’m learning how to be who I am.

I can’t wait to meet you. We’re forces of nature.

I love you all, gentle readers. I hope I touched one of you. Until next post,

Meg