I’ll be honest. I don’t know what to do here anymore. I feel like I’m bashing my head against an emotional wall when I write, so that’s why I haven’t been here for a bit. I don’t like doing the advice column type things I’ve been writing, and I haven’t been doing a ton of interesting things. I feel like I’m everywhere at once and can’t focus properly on any one thing.
I think this feeling is a long time coming. I have been cycling through multiple projects and it’s difficult to keep track of them all. It’s strange that I have never encountered it before, though. I’ve found a way to possibly blend my fiction with my poetry, which is good, at least. But with my two (or arguably three) more business-y ventures, it’s difficult to keep track of them all. I’ve been wanting to record a sequel to Mago for awhile, but seeing as that hasn’t happened yet, let’s file that under “pipe dream” for now. I need to do more Candy For Trees things this month, seeing as there are people paying for that. I also need to write a score for my friend Amy’s wedding.
Then there’s my tutoring, possibly my favorite business venture. I think I could prepare more for the lessons, but I don’t know if that’s a human thing – never feeling prepared enough. I love my students dearly, and they bring me great joy and fulfillment. I’ve tutored for 199 hours, so after tomorrow when I have more lessons and reach 200 hours, I’m going to increase my hourly rate to $25 USD/hr. I don’t have any lessons today, which is unfortunate.
I can work my tutoring harder. I need to work hard even when it’s a crappy day or I feel sick or I am sad. I’m bad at that, and that’s not good. I need to fortify myself and just do things.
Finally, there’s the scariest venture of all – design. I’ve been designing a ton of socks for people close to me, and even though I know they will turn out okay, the waiting game always makes me super nervous. I have dreams about getting my own pair of socks in the mail and they’re not always nice dreams. They’re made here, and I love them. I don’t like that they don’t come through me first, though – I want to be able to do quality control so that I know for sure that customers will be happy. They make the socks for me using my design and then ship them to those who order them, making it so that I don’t have to carry an inventory. It’s cool, but when the time comes, I want to carry an inventory of my own and sell in person. I’ve asked those who purchase or receive a pair of socks to photograph them and put them on social media. I’ll regram anyone who posts! Mine get here Wednesday.
Also, my friend gets home from Sweden in under two weeks, and I made her a surprise.
I love all of my projects. My book may end up being the death of me, though, but that’s a story for a different day. Maybe someday I’ll feel better about this madness, but for now, I’m just rolling with it. I need to do more designs today…