I have been fairly upset today.
I’ve been pretty much down for the count these last few days and as such, the kitchen went to heck. I started crying as I cleaned. This wasn’t because I am upset nobody helps with it. I love cleaning the kitchen, it’s one of the ways I stay sane. It’s that I’ve been putting a lot of effort into cleaning the kitchen and nobody bothered to even check the sink filters because they started to smell bad. I know they appreciate what I do, they tell me so, but it hurt to see my fellow inhabitants neglect the kitchen.
To be honest, I don’t know why I’m so upset about a frickin kitchen. I think it’s because I’m frustrated with the pain and everything, so I’m an emotional wreck. I love the kitchen and a little mess normally wouldn’t bother me, but this sent me over the edge. I’ve been doing what I can for self care. I slept in until noon today and that felt nice. Cleaning the kitchen in some ways is self care. I like having order in the downstairs area of the house. But I’ve been laying down a lot, been drinking a lot of water…well, more water than usual, and trying to mostly take it easy. I want to be okay again, though, and it’s frustrating that I can’t be. I’m also frustrated at the fact that I’ll have to go through the same bull next month unless there is something that will kill my cycle completely. I feel like a cornered animal .
If I am honest with you, if there’s a way to safely remove all of the organs that allow me to reproduce permanently, sign me up. It has been making me very angry when people hear about this and they say something like, “what if you change your mind in 10 years?” I have a letter to these lovely individuals:
Dear people who say that,
First and foremost, my husband I do not want children that are biologically ours. If I end up having to remain on my meds, even a low dose of a few of them will harm a fetus. Even if I am able to come off of them, we still don’t want biological children. I, for one, am terrified of being a parent, and we have other things we want to do with our lives instead of having little ones of our own. That being said, were we to want kids, we would adopt, meds or no meds. I have zero problem with this plan, and the capacity to reproduce would not be missed.
Second, I am 22 and seem to be semi-permanently exhausted. I have been this way since the age of 16, and it gets worse as time goes on. So I love kids in very small doses. Being around small children for more than about an hour causes me to be so tired that I will need a nap that probably will last 2 or more hours. In ten years, I will be 32. If I am exhausted to the point where children wear me out now, what in the name of this green earth do you think will change between now and then? I will be more tired, right? I thought so.
Because of the above reasons, it is highly unlikely that we will want our own children. Please quit trying to tell us otherwise, and kindly step off.
Bottom line, I’m absolutely sick of this nonsense. I am tired of dealing with my cycle that takes up two or more weeks of each month. I’m sick of this rollercoaster. I’m sick of trial and error, guessing and checking. I want to be okay again. We’ll see on 1 July..