On Change

Hello, all!

Let’s go back to the beginning.

In my first few posts, I wrote about what I had done that day and not much else. I don’t mourn those days. I’ve changed a lot, I can fully admit that. I have changed more in the past eight, nearly nine months than I did in the twenty-some-odd years before that. I’ve been terrified that I haven’t been able to make any lasting change in my life ever, but this is evidence that I can…and have done so.

I am very much a creature of habit. People call me wise, but I don’t see myself that way. I’ve just fallen into the same holes so many times that I don’t know how to avoid them. No, that wasn’t a typo. I do fall into the same figurative holes, even if I have fallen into them 27296597655 times before, I know how to avoid it, and I know how to fix the frickin’ problem. It really upsets me and it takes something or someone bashing me over the head with a thought-brick made from them getting annoyed with me or reacting negatively for me to be even willing to change.

Now that I am changing, I am beating myself over the head with the thought of “you’re not changing fast enough.” I’m not very ambitious most of the time and I don’t want to keep changing once I’ve made a change. Instead, I am content to sit there and idle for a bit until another thought-brick comes at me and makes me move. That’s a lot of beating myself up. It’s not that I’m suicidal or even depressed. It’s that I don’t like change and I hate the feeling of having to continually remember new things to work on when I have a lot of trouble remembering what I originally committed to do in the first place. I hate how I write on things here and I come up with all these great solutions to my problems and then I hop offline and don’t do a damn thing about the same problems. I am starting to really annoy myself with this. It’s either this “I want to rest” or “I’m not moving fast enough and I’m afraid”. I know that making tiny changes helps and that those tiny choices will ultimately affect the bigger choices, but I worry that tiny changes aren’t what is needed and that bigger changes needed now.

I’ve always heard that perfection is the enemy of the good, but I am not changing fast enough and I know that. I don’t like to change because I feel like the changes aren’t sustainable, too, and I don’t want to change a behavior only to have it revert back to its original state and have everyone around me be disappointed. I don’t believe I can change, so I just…don’t. The one thing that works is what I mentioned before – little changes that lead to bigger ones. If I can accomplish little things, I will be increasingly comfortable with bigger and bigger things. I’ve probably heard someone tell me that before, too. Many of the ideas I cook up when I write or talk to people I have already heard from others and forgotten. I have a terrible memory for conversations and get overwhelmed by the information quickly. I should really take notes. The problem I have with that is that I had a very, very good memory for everything in high school and before and I take it as a serious blow to my pride that I’d be so forgetful that I’d have to take notes on conversations. I feel dumb when I forget things. I don’t like to feel dumb or powerless. But as a result of my pride, I forget important things that should be remembered.

It’s things like the forgetfulness that really upset me. I’m so tied up in the achievements of the past that I don’t pay attention to what I need now. This has gotten to be more than a blow to my pride that should be dealt with in the same way I always have dealt with this problem. This really is a need that, when resolved, will help in many cases. What I need now is a system to remember important conversations.

I’ve been thinking as I’ve been writing this post about ways I can remember what is important. It needs to be in a place where things can be easily added and seen as a group, not just selected individually. I have been making notes at the bottom of my to-do lists for the day at hand, and that’s useful, but I believe that this can be far more streamlined. I’m thinking an Evernote notebook or a physical notebook. I’m leaning towards Evernote.

I’ll let you know how it goes!

Love,

Mago

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