I recently had a dream where my gender and how it was seen super mattered to me. I didn’t look like what I looked like in my head, but I was loud and proud about who I was. I was open. I was out there, people knew who and what I was.
Recently, though, it hasn’t mattered a ton. It’s not that I see myself a certain way or that way has changed. It just hasn’t mattered a whole bunch. This is part of the reason I go with the agender label. I don’t often perceive what I am until it starts poking me, often when someone calls me “girl” or some variant of that. A lot of the time I’m simply content with referring to myself in ways that make me feel comfortable. I understand that some people see me a certain way, and it’s difficult to look a way that matches my identity, so I don’t mind when people don’t catch on. There are people I can talk about it to, and there are people with whom I let it be.
With Pride and people being loud, proud, and open, I’m not quite sure if I fit in. I feel like a coward for not being open about it, but at the same time, I understand that some of the people I know, especially on social media, would likely actually be afraid and start worrying about my identity and myself. So I’m keeping it limited to here for now.
It’s been an interesting time for me lately as I seem to get better, then get worse, then get better. I was exercising every day for a bit, and that felt GREAT. Then I wrenched my ankle over the weekend and that put a damper on my exercise plans. My mood started to plummet, and even though I was getting stuff done and trying to function, I was anxious as hell. Something was stressing me out and I’m not sure what it was, even now. But I was actively trying to get better – I was social, I was doing my work, I was making things. I think a factor in this was the fact that I couldn’t get out and exercise. Being in bed resting my ankle stressed me out to the point where my anxiety actually spiked and I felt like I had downed 6 shots of espresso all at once. Not fun.
Things have calmed down now. I am halfway swim tired (I swam laps today) and I made some awesome music loops to start songs with. This week has been a lesson in patience, if nothing else. It really goes to show how much of an impatient human I am. I tend to want everything to be better immediately instead of letting things heal. My body is rebelling against me yet again, as well – cramps are hellish and I want them gone more than anything else. Here I go being impatient again.
I am also baffled by the practice of mindfulness. It’s supposed to help calm people down, but all it does for me is make sure I see everything. I’m probably doing it wrong. I start by focusing on my breathing and looking at stuff around me to ground me firmly, but somehow it always turns into a session of hyper vigilance that makes me more anxious. A ton of people preach the value of it, but I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I want distraction from my thoughts during that time, I think. I’m overwhelmed enough, being aware is more painful than blocking it all out. A lot of times there’s a sensory overload element to it and I already feel like I can see everything and it hurts. Maybe that’s why I forget things so easily. I could be blocking everything out so I don’t get overloaded. Or my head is elsewhere. Both are true at times.
I am complaining too much. I realize this and will take my leave for the day before I complain more.