Love Notes

Hi, friends!

My seat at the table was nearly denied, seeing as I nearly kicked one of the chairs at our dining room table down the basement stairs.

That would have sucked, seeing as my husband is sleeping upstairs and would have likely woken up and come running. Not fun..

I’m also listening to the music I listened to most on Spotify, which is an interesting walk down memory lane.

“Feel” by Sleeping With Sirens is on, and I remember listening to that a lot at Maryland college. What a throwback!

Some throwbacks aren’t pleasant, though. I deal with flashbacks sometimes. Some days and even weeks or months are filled with them, even haunting me in my sleep and I get angry and sad and end up breaking down sometimes. If I listen to certain songs, those are guaranteed nightmares right there.

I have a tendency to minimize my experiences because they aren’t as bad/traumatic as those of others, and I have a message for you if you do that, friends.

Stop it.

Your experiences are valid. It’s like somebody breaking their arm and you losing your dad. Pain is pain, and experiences are experiences. Though the worst pain you may have experienced is not as “significant” as someone else’s doesn’t mean you didn’t experience it. It’s real. You are here. The seat at the table is still yours.

My flashbacks are profound to me, and sometimes they are debilitating. The most profound reliving of my trauma is through nightmares. I go hours without sleeping because I fear what sleep will bring.

Then there are times I go months without a single flashback. I feel great, like I can take on the world and am okay. Those are the times when I feel most worthy to sit at the table.

When the flashbacks return, however, I fear that I am less than because I am sad yet again. Have I regressed permanently?

The answer to that is no. An ebb and flow of good times is normal. There will be hard times again, and that is as normal as life and death.

My mom unearthed an email my dad wrote to me shortly before he died.

Part of it reads:

Meg,
Just got through reading your letter.  Sorry for the delay.  I wanted to address one point before debating about Greek myths.
I understand your fear of my departure, and it scares me to an extent myself.  One of the things that I can’t recall telling you is the order that all of the things that have occurred to me have seemed to be an order that has been used to teach me.
My parent’s divorce.
Your illness that put you in the hospital
The death of my brother
My first brain tumor
Your difficulties
My bad habits
My second brain tumor
Missing you at college
These are all life changing things.  Some include death.  But what I haven’t listed there, and what many people fail to include in life changing things are stuff like (I’ll use myself):
Graduations
Learning
Laughing
Friends
Marriage
Recovery
Surviving that first tumor
Sending you to college, etc.
So many of the good things outweigh the bad things, and certainly the list would be much longer if I spent more than three minutes coming up with what I did.  The bad stuff sticks out because things like that suck.  They hurt, they heal, they leave scars.  We live in fear that they will occur again, and sometimes they do, but our experience with the first time stops them quickly.

I like what he said in the final paragraph –

So many of the good things outweigh the bad things, and certainly the list would be much longer if I spent more than three minutes coming up with what I did.  The bad stuff sticks out because things like that suck.  They hurt, they heal, they leave scars.  We live in fear that they will occur again, and sometimes they do, but our experience with the first time stops them quickly.
My dad was the wisest man I have ever known and he had a lot of life experiences packed into him in the span of just under 50 years. He makes a lot of points in just a few paragraphs, and the takeaway I get from it as a whole is that we can’t live in fear of bad things when they’re a natural rhythm of life and oftentimes we have seen them before.

I also like how he said that all of the things in his life have been placed in an order to teach him something. This, to me, further serves as evidence that there’s a plan for everything.

As I have mentioned previously, we’re loved infinitely, in all times and places. This is the great constant and it has held true for my entire life, even when I didn’t see it at times.  Somewhere in this infinite love, there was a purpose in my dad dying. This aspect has finally been puzzling me after three years of security with the fact that it happened. I understand why he left (he was no longer functioning, the brain tumor was killing him), but I have been looking for a kind of silver lining, a higher purpose as to why he was taken at that time. Why that at that time?

The one explanation I have for it is that he had work to do as an angel elsewhere, like bringing my soulmate, my husband, back into my life. We both believe he was the architect of that.

I’m thankful for my husband and that he loves me even though I did eat an entire pack of his pepper jack cheese slices in my haste to eat.

The universe seems to back up this theory, with little love notes scattered here and there. I feel him close sometimes – more often than before I left Texas, and I actually think he had a hand in my love’s hunch that I was overmedicated and misdiagnosed. It would make sense if the logic holds that he brought my love back to me. My love is wise like him and he listens. He is more than a note, he’s a novel or a care package. He’s in tune even if he may not realize it.

Friends, if you’re struggling, look for love notes from the universe. They are here and they give my life meaning. I love you all.

Meg

If this helped, buy me a coffee here and help fuel the blog!


My dad was the wisest man I have ever known and he had a lot of life experiences packed into him in the span of just under 50 years. He makes a lot of points in just a few paragraphs, and the takeaway I get from it as a whole is that we can’t live in fear of bad things when they’re a natural rhythm of life and oftentimes we have seen them before.

I also like how he said that all of the things in his life have been placed in an order to teach him something. This, to me, further serves as evidence that there’s a plan for everything.

As I have mentioned previously, we’re loved infinitely, in all times and places. This is the great constant and it has held true for my entire life, even when I didn’t see it at times.  Somewhere in this infinite love, there was a purpose in my dad dying. This aspect has finally been puzzling me after three years of security with the fact that it happened. I understand why he left (he was no longer functioning, the brain tumor was killing him), but I have been looking for a kind of silver lining, a higher purpose as to why he was taken at that time. Why that at that time?

The one explanation I have for it is that he had work to do as an angel elsewhere, like bringing my soulmate, my husband, back into my life. We both believe he was the architect of that.

I’m thankful for my husband and that he loves me even though I did eat an entire pack of his pepper jack cheese slices in my haste to eat.

The universe seems to back up this theory, with little love notes scattered here and there. I feel him close sometimes – more often than before I left Texas, and I actually think he had a hand in my love’s hunch that I was overmedicated and misdiagnosed. It would make sense if the logic holds that he brought my love back to me. My love is wise like him and he listens. He is more than a note, he’s a novel or a care package. He’s in tune even if he may not realize it.

Friends, if you’re struggling, look for love notes from the universe. They are here and they give my life meaning. I love you all.

Meg

If this helped, buy me a coffee here and help fuel the blog!

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