it’s never bright enough here
not for them
there’s this sickly thing called moderation
that i never nurtured and instead shied from
they said i should take it in
but who am i to listen
it’s grown up where i haven’t
(it was grown to begin with)
it’s coming for me and it is armed
with broken warning words
in a language i still can’t understand
even though they held me down and tried
to make me learn
(there’s nothing more to learn here
only repetition and broken mirrors)an excerpt of “bright”, a poem by me
I’m coming to realize that I will never be right in the eyes of some people. I have worried that people won’t accept my mental state unless I’m either 100% happy or 100% calm and collected. I worry that any kind of anger or depression won’t be tolerated.
My husband is a miracle. I agree with this – he wonders if I really have bipolar disorder since most of my sadness occurs a week before my period (TMI Friday). So he came along to my psych appointment, which was already an appointment set to determine the course of action regarding my very high doses of some meds. After much talk, the three of us came to the conclusion that I may not even have bipolar and that if this is the case, the med doses need to be decreased or eliminated entirely.
We have talked about the meds before and he was the first one to propose this theory. I was at first unwilling to even consider talking to a psych about the possibility of not having bipolar for fear of destabilizing. Then we took a rainy car ride home from Anchorage and we talked further. We got on the same page.
When I had my regularly scheduled appointment with a new psych, she was baffled at the amount of meds I was taking. This didn’t sit right with her, and she gave me some education on what was going on. One of my meds has been proven to induce hypomania in bipolar patients. Two others are at abnormally high doses. So she referred me to another psych for a second opinion on what to do.
The other psych backed us up, and it was freeing. I have spent so long being told this and having it drilled into my head, and now I feel free to be myself. We even talked about gender, and she said that that is not abnormal to feel dysphoria and didn’t judge me for it! She understood what I was saying, too!
This excerpt from “Bright” sums my feelings up perfectly. It’s also the most Mago thing to not be on Mago.
there’s some long meter stick
i haven’t found
my anger doesn’t measure up to
my sadness doesn’t measure up to
I never seem to measure up to
even though we’re taller than that
I find that I struggle with a lot of anger, and a lot of it is directed at the fact that I worried for so long about whether or not the emotion I was feeling was valid or if it was just my insanity. I’m just about done with that bullshit. I’ll keep you updated on this journey.