Lately I’ve been feeling like a bull in a china shop. You know that old expression? The image is quite clear to me – I come barging through, taking up too much space, being too big, too clumsy… too much. It feels like a horrible insult to myself to say that, and it may be, but that’s where my head’s at.
It’s not that I feel unwanted, I’m not unwanted, I know that, at least. I just worry that I’m too intense for those that do want me. Too much of a handful. Too immature. Too inexperienced. Someone they have to drag behind them when they really just want to run.
I’m reminded of the messages I got in high school – be quieter, put on makeup, answer less questions in class, don’t be so LOUD, dilute yourself, in essence. I didn’t know who I was then (and still don’t, really), but I knew enough to know that that was betraying who I was inside. So I tried it for a time. It felt so wrong. I couldn’t dilute myself, no matter how much I wanted to at times. No matter how much I wanted to be a pretty girl the guys longed for. No matter how much people wanted me to fit in.
I would never end up being friends with the “popular” crowd, instead befriending close to everyone else in my circle. I found my group, or, more accurately, my group had found me.
But now….I know I’m wanted. I know I am loved, but I’m just terrified I’m going to use everyone up because I’m a Texas sized thunderstorm when I’m sad and just an avalanche every other time, it seems. I worry that all I do is destroy. I don’t know if I really AM a bull in a china shop, and feelings aren’t always facts, but as I said before, that’s where my head is at.
I’m making myself sad.
Until next post,