Bull in a china shop

Hey, all.

Lately I’ve been feeling like a bull in a china shop. You know that old expression? The image is quite clear to me – I come barging through, taking up too much space, being too big, too clumsy… too much. It feels like a horrible insult to myself to say that, and it may be, but that’s where my head’s at.

It’s not that I feel unwanted, I’m not unwanted, I know that, at least. I just worry that I’m too intense for those that do want me. Too much of a handful. Too immature. Too inexperienced. Someone they have to drag behind them when they really just want to run.

I’m reminded of the messages I got in high school – be quieter, put on makeup, answer less questions in class, don’t be so LOUD, dilute yourself, in essence. I didn’t know who I was then (and still don’t, really), but I knew enough to know that that was betraying who I was inside. So I tried it for a time. It felt so wrong. I couldn’t dilute myself, no matter how much I wanted to at times. No matter how much I wanted to be a pretty girl the guys longed for. No matter how much people wanted me to fit in.

I would never end up being friends with the “popular” crowd, instead befriending close to everyone else in my circle. I found my group, or, more accurately, my group had found me.

But now….I know I’m wanted. I know I am loved, but I’m just terrified I’m going to use everyone up because I’m a Texas sized thunderstorm when I’m sad and just an avalanche every other time, it seems. I worry that all I do is destroy. I don’t know if I really AM a bull in a china shop, and feelings aren’t always facts, but as I said before, that’s where my head is at.

I’m making myself sad.

Until next post,

Meg

2 thoughts on “Bull in a china shop

  1. I have had similar feelings myself. I remember being told in 5th grade,”stop answering all the questions in class”, etc. I think women are especially conditioned to fall into a certain behavior, therefore making us easier to groom and what not.
    Even in my adult life I find myself with few friends, work colleagues are friendly but keep their distance, while people I meet outside come back and forth due to whatever reasons.
    But the ones we keep? They are really special.
    Stop making yourself sad. It’s not easy to do, I struggle too with this. But you are who you are and that’s that. Embrace it and see what strengths that gives you. It’s easy to feel we are draining to some, but have you considered what energy you’re feeding to others?

    Like

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