Watching

This is my husband. He is so cute.

I wish he’d admit that he is, but that will come in time. He calls me cute, too, and I never admit it, either. Maybe I can set an example, but would that make me vain?

I’m worried that it would.

I talk about myself too much, I know that. I’m starting to feel like an idiot for blogging, especially since I vent about things and don’t find solutions for my problems anymore on here. I just leave things hanging.

If I’m honest, I don’t have solutions for things that I’m ready to take. All of my solutions cause more problems or feel nearly impossible to do. My moods have been fine, but it’s been getting harder and harder to even do creative things, much less housework. This scares me. It’s like I’m trying to swim through extra viscous syrup in order to do things.

I’ve gone from super extroverted to practically a hermit. I don’t enjoy being around many people anymore, or even a group of friends for more than a few hours. There’s very little that gives me actual mental energy anymore. I don’t want to sleep, either. I just want to stare into space.

I guess being alone for long periods of the day is something I have adjusted to and being around others in a physical space just drains me. People push me to go out, but I don’t really feel an emotional need for in person companionship often. If I need company during the weekdays, I’ll make a phone call. I’ll send a Facebook message. I value in person companionship with my husband and roommates most, and most days, every other in person interaction is secondary. And some days, I don’t have the energy to talk at all. I’m not sad. I’m not suicidal. I just….don’t have the energy.

There’s nothing I want to do but watch and rest. I don’t even have the bandwidth to do creative things, which scares me. The thing that startles me most is that I’m not sad. In most cases, I’m super happy. I have trouble moving. Even if I’ve knocked 10 things off my to do list, it’s still difficult to do another one. Normally, once I do a few things, the rest of the items on the lists come easy. Not recently. And it’s still the best self care I’ve got.

I wonder if I don’t know how to recharge anymore. What I don’t get is that I’m not under any major stress, I’m not sad, I’m not even anxious. Everything I normally do to recharge takes a lot of effort to even start. Beats me.

Until next post,

Meg

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