It does feel slightly wrong to write today. While there are plenty of fire metaphors in my music, I’m not going to actually light anything on fire. It’s just poetry, y’all.
There is some truth to it, though. I believe that there is a difference between wanting to die and wanting the pain to end, and I hope always that I only want the pain to end. More specifically, I want to be able to change how I treat people. I consider myself a good friend, but not a good wife. I’m not great at working together as a team with anyone, really. I have a tendency to dominate conversations and make them about me. This is no exception.
My husband has called me out on this, and I’m sad because I can’t currently help in any significant way due to my being sick. I feel powerless. I have a plan to help, but I can’t implement it when I can barely stand at times. It sucks. I don’t want to die, I just want to stop feeling like a damn failure. It’s one of those things where twenty of my friends could come up to me and call me a good friend and human, but if my husband tells me he’s upset, I will believe him and no one else. How long will it be until I can move around and do things?
It’s infuriating that I want to move about and accomplish things, but I can’t right now. I’m feeling motivated, for crying out loud! Stupid depression and sickness. I hope I can feel okay soon. Prayers/good vibes appreciated..
Also, I found a way for me to do things even when I’m not feeling motivated.
I make detailed to do lists on my computer where I break large tasks down into smaller tasks and print them out. That helps me see what I need to do in a concrete form, not just one that bops around my head. This helps get the snowball of progress going. I like it, and my husband does, too.
I think that is all for the day.
Until next post,