Shame

It feels like I’ve got nothing left.

I’m almost ashamed to write today because there are other ways I can see myself using my time. I have too much time and I don’t want to find solutions today, I don’t want to make plans, I just want to sit in it. I don’t think this can be done, though, because there is stuff to get done and trying to do it on my own time isn’t fast enough. I know the world goes on, but the world is going on without me. I’m not sure if I even want to catch up.

I’m ashamed of myself for giving myself advice to take, doing my best to take it, and still backsliding. I wonder if I’m incapable of any kind of lasting change. I know you may say “look at what you have been doing here“, and you would be right, but I’m certain this is the inner bully wondering this and not allowing myself to see the changes I have made. It’s kind of a “you did this, but what about all of these other things you didn’t do today?” that makes me feel horrible. If I could do other things and blog, I might feel less gross about myself.

I felt better when I made a list breaking each big task into little ones. I’m going to do that again. It feels so stupid right now and resistance is high, but I find that calling someone I love and doing a chore at the same time helps, too, list or no list. It fulfills my social need along with getting the task snowball rolling. I’m able to call this one friend of mine and knock my chores out of the park at the same time. Same goes with my Nana. Nana and I can talk for hours.

This post is short, I know, but this is what I needed to say.

Until next post,

Meg

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