My heart is broken today and I don’t entirely understand why. It feels like my metaphorical chest has been hollowed out in my sleep, what little sleep I get. Sometimes waking up doesn’t end the nightmares.
I guess sometimes I feel like an inconvenience. I’m so scared that I sound like a broken record everywhere, the blog this, the blog that. This blog is my lifeline, but I fear that I’m drowning everyone else with it. It’s not one of those feel good advice blogs that some people love to read to get recipes. It’s hardly feel good at all. Especially today.
I don’t really fit in in the Twitter blog scene, where I do most of my promotional work. The mental health community relates to my posts, but I don’t really get much traction there, either. There are maybe five people who interact with my posts consistently, and I’m eternally grateful for them. I just hope they are helped by what I write and share. I’m tempted to jump to Reddit’s mental health communities, but I don’t have a plan for those yet. I feel like I’m in everyone’s way. At the same time, though, I don’t want to give up promoting. I want people to read and relate. But at the same time, I can’t force people to read. I just want to do some form of good in the world, cause some kind of change. I’m working on tidying up my own brain so I can help others, but now my brain feels heavy. I think it’s just my depression phase beginning, but I’m beating myself up for being sad when I hoped I could just sit with the emotions instead of giving into them like I am doing. Inner bully is working extra hard to keep me where I am. That’s never good.
Maybe inner bully is what is keeping me from observing my emotions and instead sucking me in. I don’t want to bully myself, but I think this goes back to what I wrote about being my own best friend. If I can change the bullying presence into something comforting, I might feel better. For example, I’m kicking my own butt for being sad and having a hard morning. I want to say to myself that it’s okay to experience sadness. It’s a natural rhythm of mine. But I do need to get busy after breakfast and this post and do something, anything. I need to keep my mind occupied, because that gives me more of a fighting chance to feel okay.
I want to finally finish my laundry today and then work on cleaning our room. If I can get one corner done, I will be okay. I will be okay. I will be okay. That could be my saying on bad days. Because it’s true. I will make it through this. I just have to keep busy, keep talking, keep being open. It’s so hard to be in the depression phase, but another key is being aware of it when it starts to arrive and while it is here. As I may have said before, trying to get rid of my depression entirely would be like trying to bottle a hurricane. I just need to outlast the storm.
Perhaps I’m not an inconvenience after all. I think it’s a lie I tell myself when I get down. I think I do good here. People say I do, they say that my words are relatable and well written. Inner bully needs to change into my inner best friend. Maybe then I can change my own perspective. Food for thought and a path to action.
Until next post,