I’m writing to calm down today.
I’m anxious as hell and have been from the moment I woke. I had a horrible nightmare. Recently I’ve been relieved of those, but last night they came back with a vengeance. It was all of my recent ones combined into one mega nightmare that left me with a pounding heart when I woke up. I’m so sick of these.
I want to call my husband, but he’s probably super busy and can’t call right now. He’s always swamped at his job. What I really want is a hug. Sleep is getting painful.
That’s part of the reason why I like to stay up late so much. It’s partly because nighttime is largely panic free and partly because most nightmares can’t catch up to me if I’m not asleep. I know it’s bad for me and messes up my sleep schedule, but it’s one of the only times besides my writing time and snuggling my husband that I can feel comfortable and be at peace. It’s a magical time. There’s something soft about being awake at 3 AM.
The times I am asleep, I often sleep through the night. That doesn’t mean pleasant sleep. It’s often riddled with nightmares about bits of past trauma and things I’m afraid of, and I can’t escape. I often wake relieved, or like this morning, terrified. Maybe talking about some of them will help get rid of them.
One of the scariest in hindsight is that my husband is an abusive ex-partner of mine, only claiming to be reformed. He’s my ex’s dreaming world alter ego here, and for some reason I trust him. I trust my husband completely, but if said ex-partner came back into my life somehow, especially claiming to be reformed, I would never trust him. That could open an interesting conversation about forgiveness.
I think that I have forgiven him. The dreams about him were hilarious for a time until this nasty batch of nightmares started to appear, and I grew to be able to laugh at my experiences most days. I don’t wish him ill, I don’t want him to come back. I just want his dream self to go away and stop taking the form of my husband, you know?
I want the nightmares to just go away. Maybe it’s like experiencing my bipolar disorder. Maybe I can’t kill them outright, they must simply be observed and learned from if necessary. I don’t know if any of these nightmares are anything but leftover random fears, and fearing them while waking gives them extra power. I am tired of giving valuable brainpower to fear, especially nightmares. One of my friends once told me to let something bad actually happen before I get scared of it. That was incredibly valuable and important to me.
At the same time, that doesn’t mean that I am to absentmindedly charge into stupid situations in the name of being fearless for fearless’ sake. Safety and sanity are important, too, and perhaps it’s about fearing less for now. It would take one hell of a person to be completely fearless.
I think it’s like the other things I fear. I just need to sit back and wait for them to pass, observing what I feel, not letting it control me. Forcing anything to act a certain way never leads anywhere. Part of observing fear to me could also mean registering when I’m afraid of what people will think of me for being myself. I often still worry that people will view me as off my rocker for being the way I am. People have said that I’m weird for certain things I do, but that to me is secondhand embarrassment sometimes, and that is one of my absolute pet peeves. If what I’m doing causes you to be ashamed of me, I’m being myself, and what I’m doing causes no harm, I’m going to keep doing it, and you don’t have to hang around me. I’m tired of judging myself just because others might be judging me.It gets rid of parts of me that are good.
I’m calmer now. Thank you for listening, always.
Until next post,