I don’t quite know what I’m writing about yet, so I’m hoping the writing flow will guide me. I hope what I write today will help someone.
My mind feels like a lake on a windless day, flat and clear. It’s a perfect reflection of the sky, and all is calm. I feel numb in a way, too. I don’t know if this is called “stability”, and this worries me. I don’t like feeling numb. Perhaps I’m too used to overwhelmingly strong emotions, so the lack of them is frightening. Maybe this is what serenity feels like.
I like the image of the lake reflecting the sky. I’m serene enough to become a mirror. A simple mirror. I hope that the people see themselves in me as I see them. I hope their reflection helps them see who they truly are. And who they truly are is beautiful.
I don’t know what you need, gentle readers. I’m using this writing time to meditate on what you might need and then to say it. I hope I can hit the nail on the head for you.
In my mental windless day, I see things more clearly. I am balanced, even though I’m slightly unsettled. I’ve always wished for balance, and I never thought I would find it. In the few times in which I have found it, it’s always been frightening. I feel like something’s wrong with me, even though it’s just my wish being granted without me knowing. That’s kind of how some wishes are granted – in surprising and mysterious ways. My wishes are important, and my needs are fulfilled in the times they need to be and in the ways they should be.
In realizing that I am serene, I’m able to see a bigger picture. I’m able to hope for something more grand than myself and start to feel hope that I can make a difference. I’m not saying I’m an idealist. I’m far from it. I spend time mired in depression. I spend time riding manic highs. But perhaps serenity is something that I haven’t valued in the past.
I don’t think serenity is a pure calm. I think that it’s balance between, in my case, my manic highs and depressive lows. Perhaps not a lack of them, but a lull between the two and a place where I can see clearly. I don’t think it should unsettle me. It shouldn’t be seen as a numbness or something to dread. It’s something to strive for.
I want to use this serenity to help others. My mind has been tidied up and I am in a position to listen and empathize. I can’t properly help others before my own mind is orderly. I haven’t felt this kind of balance before. Emotions are present, but I’m not swept away towards either end of the spectrum. Since my head is clear, I’m better able to solve any mental problems of my own that may try to sneak up on me. I realize that strong emotions are not the key to a healthy existence, yet I know that the highs and lows will return again. I can’t kill my highs or lows, they must simply be experienced. I need to use the manic for the good I can do, and do the best I can during the depression.
I also want to be the kind of person who helps people see who they truly are. I want to encourage people to be their true self and let them know through my actions that they are okay to be authentic around me. I don’t want to shame others for expressing who they are. I know I will fail many times, but I’m human and I’m trying. I want to be someone who changes lives. I know I can do it one person at a time. Even if I can only touch one person today, that one person can take what I gave them and initiate a series of ripples that can change the world!
Call me cheesy, but that’s what gets me through the day, serene or not. That’s my philosophy. I get discouraged because I want to touch more than just the people I have thought I have, but then my husband reminds me of my own philosophy. I may have helped more people than I realized, and I may never realize the good I did. But that good has been done and it is very real.
On windless mental days like these, I used to panic, thinking something was gravely wrong with my mental health. But perhaps I really am serene? Maybe the good I mean to do does mean something? My hope by writing here is that I will help you feel less alone. There’s something so powerful to me about having someone just listen while I talk. Thank you for being that for me! It’s my hope and prayer that you see yourself in me and that you smile at yourself.
Some days are hard. Some are easy. Others the wind goes away completely and you’re left as a clear lake, reflecting the sky. Are you serene?
Until next post,