I have something to say. I’m taking a deep breath.
I am agender. There, I said it outright, and therefore it has more power than if it were silently sitting there on my heart. It’s here, just like it has been for months. This is not a defense of my gender or lack thereof, it’s a celebration.
It took me years to get where I am now. People have thrown lists of reasons why I’m wrong at me, many more lists than why I’m right. But this isn’t going away anytime soon, and I’m proud of it. People address me like a woman, and that is totally fine. Keep doing that, the choice is up to you how you see me. I don’t aim to make people think I’m anything other than who I am normally. Because it is me. For me, my identity is an intensely personal experience that doesn’t have to be acknowledged by the general public, and I don’t plan on changing my appearance much. I’m here to share the fun with you.
How I experience my identity is interesting. It was like one day my perception of my own gender threw up its hands, said “screw all y’all” and walked away. It didn’t feel distressing, though. If anything, I felt peaceful and free. What does this mean for practical application?
Truthfully, it means nothing. I don’t expect a pronoun change or a social transition of any kind. I’m still Meg, I’m still me, but with an added self awareness. It doesn’t often cause me distress, but my sense of gender euphoria changes by the day.
For example, I am wearing lipstick, my favorite button down shirt, and dress pants today, and I’m not quite euphoric. I wore something similar a few days ago and felt completely at rest in my own skin. Don’t get me wrong, I look good, it just doesn’t quite feel like me, and I don’t quite know what I need to do to get that appearance euphoria back. So how does all of this feel, then, you may ask?
It feels like a warm and fuzzy feeling of belonging oftentimes. Distress is rare. When distress does come, I do feel the need to match my feelings inside with the way I look and am perceived outside. I find myself trying to get people to see me differently and to “look the part” by dressing in a manner that I consider to be neutral. This often leads to me becoming strict with myself in a manner that is unnecessary. No matter how I dress or act, that feeling hasn’t gone away. It’s been around since December of last year and is still going strong,
I’m proud of my identity, very proud of it. It’s a living thing, just as I am. And it makes me feel human. What makes you feel human?
Until next post,