Hello, gentle readers!
Today is a bit of a change of pace for me. Instead of wearing a button down or a neutral T-shirt, I am wearing a more femme striped shirt, a flower necklace that a friend gave me some time ago, dress pants, and my green lipstick. I am also not binding today unless the dysphoria gets super bad. I’m taking a break. My button down routine was beginning to feel more like a set of rules than something I actually wanted to do at the time. And that’s okay. I don’t have to dress a certain way for my identity to be valid. Louder for the people in the back –
I don’t have to dress a certain way for my identity to be valid.
Everyone, read that five times. Say it to yourselves. You are valid as you are, and so am I. I was grappling with that this morning, and I took to the blog. I came up with that affirmation. Blogging really helps me talk stuff out, even when things get hard. I even have a blogging playlist now. Blogging time is sacred time.
Back to the theme of having a set of rules to live by rather than what makes me feel good…
Whenever I find myself over-adhering to a set of rules that are either harming me or not going to matter in the long run, I’m starting to learn that it’s time to ditch that system and find a new one. This really should go for everything I do. When I’m trying to find something, I take a step back and move around the room trying to see it from a different angle. I think this can be applied to finding other things – a new mindset to try living in, an emotional or physical need that I can’t quite put my finger on, or even in my journey to be comfortable in my own skin.
I wasn’t going to feel comfortable in my own skin with the button downs this morning. So I took a step back and remembered that lipstick was another thing that felt good to wear. I played with it last night and found that it looked awesome with my new haircut. Yes, I got rid of my mop of hair. It was supposed to fit my more neutral look better than aforementioned mop, but instead I think I’m wanting to wear more lipstick at the very least. I am still me, and my style is allowed to change. It’s a human thing, I’ve found. I just need to give myself permission to change. I am who I am, and the way that I dress doesn’t mean I have changed inside.
I need to give myself permission to do a lot of things. I need to give myself permission to be judged. Some people just straight-up won’t get me, and as long as what I’m doing isn’t wrong, their opinions shouldn’t matter. I am who I am, and nobody gets to take that away from me.
I need to give myself permission to rest. I believe I’ve talked about having unrealistic expectations of myself when I’m depressed, and that those just make things worse in my head.
I need to give myself permission to not explain or justify my identity to those who willfully misunderstand it or have judged me for it in the past. If they want to be educated about it, that’s okay. But I don’t owe anyone an explanation who doesn’t truly need one.
I need to give myself permission to reach out for help to people who care and understand. There’s no use in suffering in silence.
I need to give myself permission to take time to find myself and not expect to know myself tomorrow. The progress I have made is something to be proud of. I didn’t realize that trying to kill my depression was like to bottle a hurricane and that instead I should find high ground and watch it blow over with a cup of coffee in hand.
I am valid as I am. So are you. Rest up, stay safe.
Until next post,