Getting over it

Hello, gentle readers.

I have this recurring nightmare where I have to go back to Texas (where I’m from) and do the long distance thing with my husband again. It’s like everything just resets. It’s terrifying, and I wake and cling to him if he’s still in bed.

I didn’t have many recurring dreams at all until I came up here. But this is one of two major ones that pop up recently, the other one being not really worth discussing.

I don’t know why this dream scares me so badly. I think it’s because my life is more complete here than in Texas. I’m with the love of my life, the environment is beautiful. I don’t know why this dream keeps reappearing, or why I’m even thinking about it.

I’ve been beating the daylights out of myself all day, maybe that’s why. I feel like a quitter. And maybe I am. I quit my job this morning because I felt that the way the management handled mental health was unacceptable and I didn’t want to come home crying again. It’s been a hard time in my brain, as you well know. So I’m torn between thinking my leaving was justified and the right thing to do and yelling at myself for being weak. Being unable to live up to my own expectations of myself. Being a crybaby. Being a quitter.

Essentially, the question I’ve been asking myself is, is it truly okay to put mental health first?

I always wonder that. Sometimes when I hit something near crisis point, I shame myself for even wanting to take a break. For even wanting to relax a little. I bully myself for being “weak”, weak for not being able to reach my own extremely high standards and expectations. The inner bully of mine is very active right now.

Is it truly okay to put mental health first?

I’ve been searching for that answer ever since I was practically bedridden after my dad died. I was never sure when it was okay to skip class in order to make sure that I didn’t break. I was breaking. I was broken. And I was expecting myself to fill a hole that can never truly be filled in a month’s time. Of course my mind turned inside out!

Is it truly okay to put mental health first?

People might see me during a breakdown and be afraid. They might not even believe that what is going through my head is real. After all, it’s very hard to have concrete proof that someone is having a hard day until someone does burst out crying, but then they could be branded as weak or crazy, and that gets nobody anywhere.

Is it truly okay to put mental health first?

When I break down, I hit rock bottom. I don’t want to move, breathe, do anything at all. Some might say grow up, get over it. But from experience, I just…can’t. I’ve been doing what I can to practice self care, but I can’t get over it. It’s like a hurricane. You can’t stop a hurricane, all you can do is wait it out. And that’s what I’m doing now.

Is it truly okay –

Yes. Just because someone else can’t see what I’m going through doesn’t mean I’m not hurting. I am doing what I can, and that is okay.

Perhaps this can be compared to the dream. I don’t have to be stuck, nothing lasts forever. I can wake up someday.

Until next post,

Meg

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