Hello, gentle readers!
I confess that the last few days have been very hard for me in my brain. I’ve felt useless and inept at work and anxious beforehand. I worry that nobody there likes me or even tolerates me, even though that is untrue and is just anxiety talking. I’m able to get people to laugh some now, and I hope I’m making friends. I like the crew a lot, but I worry more that the managers just flat out despise me.
I had a thought last night that so long as I’m doing my best, I’m okay and I shouldn’t worry about being popular or the managers’ pet. I do want to be liked by as many people as possible, but not everyone will like me. And that’s fine. I just need to be myself and bring my best to the table, whatever those are. And perhaps I don’t want to work in management, I’m undecided about that.
I know what I do want to do – continue to use my writing to help others feel like they aren’t alone. If this venture gets big, it gets big. It’s a piece of my heart, and I am grateful that at least one person is feeling it. That’s all I need – one person. That’s a Mormon thing I hang onto. There’s a powerful Mormon story that, in short, talks about how when one person’s life is changed, that person can in turn change the lives of hundreds. Or just have a better day or have a smile on their face for a little while. I want to make an impact, no matter how small it seems at first. It may be bigger than I think it is. Even if all I can do is make a person feel less alone in the world.
My brain keeps lobbing thoughts of that nature at me. I’ve been contemplating going full agender and encouraging people to use they/them pronouns for me, chopping my messy mop of hair off, and becoming more open about my identity, both gender and otherwise. Part of me wants to remain timid and not rock the boat, but then there’s another part of me that wants to make my gender very apparent and be open about it so that there’s no confusion about who I am and what I stand for. I need to keep it on the quieter side at work, of course, but in other public spots I can be flashy. I want to make one person feel less alone and more free to be themselves.
I heard a saying once that the first follower makes the lone nut into a leader. I’ve been thinking about that. I want to make someone feel less alone in public in a way that they can point at me and say to themselves, “I like this human’s style, and I’ve been wanting to look and feel that way for a long time. Maybe it’s okay to be myself.”
Well, dear someone, it is okay to shine. I’m going to prove it to you. I’m going to show you that it’s okay to feel good in your own skin, however that may look for you. Others will judge, but that’s their choice. Don’t listen to them, you are doing well as yourself. I’ll meet you and show you how to be who you are as I’m learning how to be who I am.
I can’t wait to meet you. We’re forces of nature.
I love you all, gentle readers. I hope I touched one of you. Until next post,