There’s fresh snow on the ground. It must have snowed during the night, but I shouldn’t have to even go outside today, hooray! I have the day off, and I am thankful for it. Work was tough.
I’m dealing with feelings of inadequacy and fear of failure. I know I just started and I should give myself a break, but I really want to become good at my job. I hope they’ll put me around people in the front soon. I’m a natural people person. I don’t do well with cooking or baking. But maybe that’s why they’re putting me in the back with the food. I need to learn everything if I want to be a manager.
I had one spot when I worked at my last job, and I was fine with that. However, my job was fairly static with little room for advancement. I was the Service Ambassador, that was who I was, that was that. I did dishes sometimes, but that was really the only change. I confess that I became complacent at times, for I was just staying there until I left for Alaska. I didn’t expect to have anything new happen to me.
But now that I’m here in Alaska, life is different. It’s permanent, and there has been a steep learning curve as I transition to marriage from an extended adolescence, so to speak. My family tried to push me out of the nest several times, but I kept coming back for one reason or another. Some tried to pin the reason on my dad’s death, which was part of the reason. While I had not been “getting over it”, the good days strongly outnumbered the bad days at that point, the final college I had attended didn’t make things any better and was smothering in its own right. It seemed like my family expected me to only come back for vacations and finally get on with my own life after some future graduation. But that didn’t happen. My college transcript is a patchwork made of courses from four different institutions with still no diploma to my name. I didn’t have much real-world experience, either. I barely worked in my college years, and my family paid for most everything. Meanwhile, my husband worked and worked to achieve his goals. I had no goals until I ran into him again.
From there began a journey to rewrite my own story. The breaking point came about two months ago when he finally got fed up and said something to the effect of, “you keep going back to the past and your trauma long after you’ve healed and your mind spirals. That’s a form of self harm.” That really stuck to me.
I’ve been trying to rewrite my story and change both my perception of both the past and future since then. When I think of the future, sometimes my thoughts turn hopeless and I fall straight into despair. But I’ve been setting goals that keep me tethered. Sometimes my family (both my family back in the Lower 48 and the crazy, wonderful family I’ve built here with my husband) and my awesome friends around the world are what keep me going when I lose sight of my goals.
I’ve also been working on seeing the past in a different way. It’s something to be learned from rather than feared and dwelt upon. The fear still hits, and sometimes I get very sad and scary flashbacks or nightmares. I’m doing my best to learn from it and not live with it. I feel better most days, but I need to keep my mind busy.
The outcomes of my days will get better. They will get worse. Then they will get better. That’s life for me. What are y’all doing to rewrite your stories?
Until next post,