Fear

Hello, fine readers of mine!

I want to admit that I woke up afraid.

I have nightmares nearly every night, and while I can sometimes shake them off, they stack up during the day. That leads to a ton of intrusive thoughts if my mind is any kind of idle. I’m scared of these, especially. Sometimes they’re “you should leave your husband” (how about no! He’s the best), and sometimes they’re gross mental images that my mind loops and can’t let go of, or worse, depressive thoughts that spiral. I try to squish them, but that makes them worse.

I am scared to not squish them. I’m afraid that if I leave them, they’ll multiply unchecked, but honestly, I think they’ll go away if I don’t bother with them.

My husband and I discuss this, and he says that the thoughts are a form of self harm. When my mind has been given nothing to think about, it goes directly to the worst thing possible. It’s worst when I’m alone and unoccupied for long periods of time.

I’m afraid a lot of the time of myself. I’m scared that I don’t deserve happiness or that I’m constantly screwing up, when both of these statements are false. Since embarking on this journey to love myself, I have come to realize that I’m okay. I’m trying. There will be bad days.

I’m afraid that I won’t be able to perform my new job physically sometimes due to my stomach pain problems, but I am determined to do my best in everything I do there. The pain has gotten worse since my menstrual cycle came back, and PMS is hell. I didn’t recognize it as such until the actual period began. The next few days will be interesting.

I actually wish I were working today. I love my job so far and it keeps my mind from idling so much. It also keeps me focused on others.

My parents taught me the value of compassionate service, whether it was my mom in the Mormon church or my dad working his AA program. I learned from a wise man at an AA meeting that he would go out and help another child of God every day. I try to do that, especially in a work environment. I find that if I help just one person have a better day than when they first encountered me, I have been successful. A compliment can save a life, and I give many genuine ones. Taking my mind and focusing it on others is also life saving. It helps me get out of my own head and out of my fear.

Most of emotional fears I experience are either from my “inner bully” or from unhealthy learned behavior. My inner bully is the element of my mind that criticizes everything I do. She is cruel. I have been working to silence her, and this journey of self discovery has helped immensely.

I used to fear that only people whom I had hurt truly knew me. I was leaving a double life, my brain was convinced, where I am kind to strangers, but cruel and unkind to the people I am closest to. It kept me from talking to people whom I knew I could talk to deep down. That was one of the most malicious things that my inner bully had me think. I believe it was my aunt who said that the people I had hurt only knew an aspect of me. That was incredibly comforting.

To me, fighting fears also leads to finding vulnerability. Finding the ability to speak up and out, along with the ability to set boundaries for self and others, is powerful. It takes a lot of courage to go out on a limb and communicate. I, for one, have felt better since writing about my experiences in depth.

I am glad to have supportive and loving friends, family, and readers. They are the reasons why I fight every day to stay alive and well. They are the reasons why I am speaking out. They are the reasons why I fight fears.

Thank you for reading!

Meg

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4 thoughts on “Fear

  1. Meg, this really hit close to home for me. I relate to about 90% of what you wrote.
    Hurting loved ones and being nice to strangers is probably the worst part of this. It’s not a good feeling..
    I love that you added there will be bad days but you’re still trying.This post was deep and inspiring.
    Thanks so much for sharing!
    x

    Like

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