The agender adventures continue. Hopefully I can a.) not wake my sleepy love who is next to me with the phone light and b.) come up with better post titles someday.
Today was pretty rad. I bought a bolo tie:
and made another (pictured up top with me wearing it) out of a disk drive (?) from an old PSP that my roommate said I could use.
I’m pretty proud of myself.
I’m still working on the dysphoria aspect, and I have found that my stomach only drops when I feel like I have to explain what’s going on to someone else.
Because I can’t tell why the dysphoria is happening or what it wants, for lack of a better word, it’s very difficult to explain.
(I know there are some of you fine readers that would say that I don’t owe an explanation to anyone, and I might take you up on that advice soon.)
Nonetheless, I want to be able to put words to what I’m feeling because I’m a writer. Putting language to my emotions and experiences gives me a sense of empowerment. And with this….
I feel increasingly powerless and sick to my stomach the more I try to explain what’s going on in my mind. All I can do is make metaphors, and even those are weak. But as I was laying here trying to sleep, I came to realize that if that’s a trigger, I don’t need to explain every detail. I felt euphoric in my button down and tie. I sent probably too many selfies to my friends. And they loved them. I think I also fear judgment too much. Semi-subconsciously, I don’t want people who are close to me thinking I’m trying to craft a new identity to put up a wall or to establish a defense mechanism. I’ve done that before, and that scares even me. So I’m approaching this with caution.
Most of the times I feel dysphoria, it is tied in with a rough patch in my mental health. Either I’m not taking my meds correctly, I’m not getting enough sleep, something major and negative has just occurred in my life, etc.. The only things I can think of are:
Coming out of a depressive spell and moving to Alaska several months ago. I don’t understand why either would trigger that or what I could be hiding from. I’m making friends. I’m getting a job. I’m getting settled in. I’m feeling better. Things are very positive. Why now? I have no idea.
If there turns out to be nothing that I’m hiding from, that leaves a possibility that it’s pushing me towards growth of some form. I’m not trying to reinvent myself, I feel like I’m molting. Same being, new feathers. Maybe this is what I’m supposed to grow into? Maybe this is the next step? I honestly hope so.